Keep on Fighting
by sweeet-as-honey
Summary: Cal is thrown by the force of the explosion - but this time, he doesn't get up. An alternative ending to A Life Less Ordinary (02.01.16).
1. Chapter 1

_This story was requested by Glittergirl12 and Guest Gemma price XXOX. They aren't the same person but came up with almost identical requests - so I hope I can make you both happy! Thank you for being so kind about my writing - I really hope this doesn't disappoint you._

 _This chapter is mostly Cal thinking over the last couple of years, but the other chapters will be set in the present. I've written the first four chapters so I should post them over the next four days (I'm counting this post as Sunday)._

 _I hope everyone else enjoys it too. If enjoy is the right word..._

* * *

There he was. Just up ahead.

Cal was surprised he'd managed to catch him up so easily. It was almost as though he wanted Cal to follow. He wanted to lead him away from safety; away from what he knew.

He could be leading Cal into a trap. He probably was.

But Cal didn't care. Finally, he'd found something to hold onto for the first time since he'd met Matilda; for only the second time since Taylor.

He couldn't let Katya go. Especially not like this. Not alone and frightened and in danger. Anything could happen to her and he was the only person who knew.

So he was going to save her. That was what he did best: saving people. The only thing, he believed, he could do well. He saved people every day (or at least every day he worked) and for years, he'd convinced himself it was enough.

But then had come someone he couldn't save; someone who really mattered. His mother, Matilda. She was dying of cancer and he hadn't been able to save her. He hated himself for that. She was his mother (or so he'd thought) and he was a doctor and he could do nothing.

So he'd done nothing. He'd run away, leaving Ethan to deal with it alone.

He'd kept saving people after that, of course. He worked in an ED. But it wasn't until he'd saved Ethan, his brother (who really was his brother) that he finally felt he'd done something good. He'd saved someone who really mattered to him.

Cal had never regretted that. He never would. He loved Ethan. That horrible day had made him realise just how much.

But he struggled to believe that Ethan loved him - and after everything Cal had done, who could blame him?

Then Cal had found someone else he wanted to save. No: more than that. He'd found the person who was going to save _him_. Taylor was beautiful, like all the other women, but she was so much more than that. She was intelligent and kind and warm and she really helped people in ways Cal couldn't imagine. The places Taylor visited; the conditions she had to deal with; the scenes of poverty and hardship such as Cal couldn't even imagine… his lust had deepened to admiration and respect and then to love. She was doing what Cal had always wanted to do. Something important. Something that really mattered.

Cal knew that many people would say working in the ED mattered too. If any of his colleagues had asked them if they really helped people, he would have said yes. He'd seen their kindness, strength and courage which might even have rivalled Taylor's, but Cal could never see those things in himself.

Even once it was revealed that the charity was fake, Cal didn't give up on Taylor. He believed he could save her. She was obviously caught up in something and couldn't get free: a poor, innocent girl forced into conning money from people. He would offer his love; his hand in marriage; his whole life. He would rescue Taylor and he would have done something important at last.

But Taylor was a con-artist and she didn't want a knight in shining armour. She just wanted cash.

Cal had been heartbroken. He couldn't imagine ever trusting a woman again. He knew he couldn't trust himself. His judgement had let him down and his brother had suffered. His life had continued in a downward spiral from there. He felt worthless. A waste of space. Unloved. He reached out to Ethan for support but none came.

Cal wanted to believe this was only because Ethan didn't know _how_ to help, but the more he struggled to keep going, the harder it was to believe in anything except his own inadequacy.

And then Taylor had returned and he'd fallen in love all over again.

But not with Taylor.

Matilda had really needed him: she literally couldn't survive without him. But with Matilda, it wasn't just about rescuing her. The tiny bundle of love and warmth that cuddled close to him and looked up at him with adoration and held out her arms to him and knew she was safe with him.

Everything Matilda did was wonderful and beautiful: another special and lovely memory to carry with him for always and a bright, bubbling hope inside him for what he believed was their future together. Matilda had brought him closer to Ethan too and the tiny fact that he hadn't actually had the paternity test was one he could ignore because it was obvious to everyone that Matilda was his. He could never have bonded so quickly; so completely with another man's child. She could never have loved and trusted him so instantly unless she'd known, deep inside her, that Cal was in some way hers.

When he'd taken the paternity test, life had once more spun out of Cal's control.

Cal knew he could have kept her. They'd looked after her well and Ethan had been keen, but Cal couldn't deal with that. He would never have felt secure.

What if Taylor wanted her back? What if Matilda's real father found out about the baby? What if a member of Taylor's family found out about their new relative?

What if Matilda grew up and realised Cal wasn't really that great and she wanted her real dad?

All he knew was that he loved her more every day. The thought of losing her felt as though he'd been torn apart, but he knew if he didn't let her go now, he would lose her later and it would only be worse.

So he'd let her go. He'd let go of the one good thing in his life. And once more, Cal was nothing and had nobody. He had Ethan, but did Ethan even care? He stopped the lift so Cal could cry in private and just for a moment, Cal had hoped Ethan would give him he hug, the physical contact, the love he craved and needed, but Ethan had done and said nothing. Just stood and waited. Perhaps too upset to know what to do, but perhaps not caring.

Discovering he must be adopted had fragmented the little of Cal's world that remained. Ethan seemed even further away from him because he might not be Cal's brother. The thought terrified Cal. What if Ethan was only there out of some sense of duty, which would disappear as soon as he knew Cal was not his brother?

Who was Cal? He wasn't Matilda's father or Matilda's son. He wasn't Ethan's brother. So who was he?

 _Whose_ was he?

All Cal had was this unknown mother – a mother who'd given him up, yes; but the one person in his life who was really part of him.

He knew now that he'd romanticised her image. He'd convinced himself that when he was with his mum, everything would be all right. Cal had imagined the reunion so many times. He yearned for it desperately, but was terrified by it at the same time because he knew so well how things could go wrong.

In the end, his dreams had won. He'd gone into his mother's house – and his dreams had been shattered.

Ethan thought Cal was sad about baby Matilda, and he was partly right. Cal was devastated about Matilda. He kept her picture and one of her toys in his room, but he didn't want to talk about her. But it wasn't just that he had a big, aching void inside him where Matilda had been. His whole body was a void for something or other. For everyone in his life who wasn't what he thought they were. Everyone he'd ever loved. Matilda, Matilda, Taylor … he'd loved them and they weren't his.

Only Ethan was his, and soon, Cal would have to tear his world apart too.

Cal had thought happiness was impossible; nothing would ever be all right. His work suffered because he couldn't see past his own suffering. It was so big: it filled him and surrounded him and was always there, between him and the people he was trying to help. He still had the desire to help, but much as he tried, he couldn't quite reach them. He felt constantly in a losing battle with his own emotions, not only stopping them from overflowing (which they often did: Cal seldom ended a shift without red eyes) but trying to push them aside in order to get to the people who needed him.

Then he'd met Katya.

He'd always known his role in life was to be someone's knight in shining armour. That was part of the reason why he'd chosen the name Knight. Here was someone he could help. The sort of person he'd imagined Taylor to be once he'd realised she was a con-artist. Katya had been forced into a career she didn't want and she'd wanted to get away. Cal would be the one to rescue her.

And he had. At first, he'd been stressed and upset, but then that had changed. It might have been partly the alcohol, the music, the situation… but it was Katya too. She was the person he'd been looking for all along. The person who needed him. The person he could look after – and look after forever: not just until she was discharged.

He felt… happy with her. He smiled. He danced. He relaxed. He felt as though happiness was possible and everything would be all right. He already knew Katya's biggest secret and of course, that was over now. She couldn't hurt him like Taylor had. She wouldn't keep secrets like his two mothers. She wouldn't push him away like Ethan. Everything would be all right.

They'd danced and smiled and laughed the night away before returning to his flat. They'd woken up together and she hadn't wanted him to pay her because he meant more to her than that. And then she'd gone and here he was, chasing after her like a real knight in shining armour, gaining on them, spurred on by his determination and love.

He had to catch them. He had to get to him and make him talk. He had to get her back. He couldn't lose anyone else.

Faster and faster, Tyres screeching. Closer and closer. Lurching round corners. Horns blaring, but that didn't matter. This was a matter of life and death.

But was it Katya's life and death or his?

And then it happened. Cal should have known they couldn't keep going, Not at that speed. Not at that intensity. The car in front of him left the road and soared through the air, before hitting the ground and rolling over and over. Cal tried to swerve; tried to stop, but the car was out of his control and his head smashed into something hard and all he knew was pain and one last thought.

 _Ethan_ , he thought as his eyes closed. _I never told Ethan_ …


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you so much for the incredible response to the first chapter! I hope you'll all enjoy this one too. The next few chapters are about what happened in the episode - I hope it isn't just a bad rewrite of the episode! The stuff about the petrol might be wrong - I know nothing about cars and don't even know if it was petrol. I hope it's not too ridiculous._

 **Curious Rebel** , I'm sorry for making you cry! But also completely amazed that one of my stories is worth crying over. I'm a bit short of tissues after crying over the episode, but I can spare some for you as it's my fault! Thank you for your lovely review - I'm so happy that Cal's feelings made sense.

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you like the story so far - I hope you'll enjoy the rest of it too.

 **Tanith Panic** , I thought Ethan should be the person he thought of before he lost consciousness - even though he's convinced he loves Katya and he's really building his hopes on her, his love for Ethan is much more real. Thank you for your review!

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review - and I'm sure Cal appreciates your sympathy. If ever he needs it, it's now!

 **LittleBritishPerson** , I'm actually surprised there aren't more fanfictions about this, but perhaps I just haven't seen them. I'm really glad you like the detail as I was worried there was too much. Thank you for your review!

 **totti10** , thank you for your review - it's so kind of you to say the story is beautifully-written!

 **Tato Potato** , I'm really happy you like the idea - I hope you'll also like where I go with it! Thank you for your review.

 **ETWentHome** , thank you for your review and your kinds words - I'm glad you like my interpretation of what might be in Cal's head. I hope you'll enjoy the rest of the story too!

 **20BlueRoses** , that's a really good point about Cal not caring for any potential consequences - I think you're absolutely right and I wish I'd thought of that. But I'm really glad you like what I did manage to think of. Thank you for your review - and for your permission to hurt Cal!

Thank you to **sophieb10** , **Curious Rebel** , **TVObsessedGirl28** and **ETWentHome** for your follows and favourites.

* * *

At first, Cal thought he was sleeping in the car again. Whenever Ethan threw him out, he quite often ended up sleeping in his car. It would have made more sense to go and find a girl and share her bed, but Cal wasn't usually in the mood for that. It hurt too much, knowing that Ethan had had enough of him; that this time, it really might be for good.

Cal's vision slowly cleared. There was a red mark on the window where he'd been leaning on it, and Cal didn't have to be a doctor to know it was blood. He looked at his reflection in the window: at the red, sticky-looking gash on the side of his forehead and turned away from it, breathing hard.

What had happened?

Cal tried to gulp in more air, but he felt dizzy and faint and knew he needed something fresher than the air in the car. He opened the door and half-fell out of it, his legs almost too weak to support him. He held on tightly to the car, his breaths coming quickly and harshly as he fought to stay upright. He could feel the blood trickling down his face and he thought he might vomit, but then he remembered he was a doctor and he had to help. He wasn't the only person involved in this accident. There were people out here who needed him.

He gripped onto the car door tightly as he looked around, seeing nothing but empty road. His mind was worryingly blank, both in terms of what happened and what he needed to do now. He took in more oxygen, trying to calm himself and settle his churning stomach.

What had happened? Why did he have the feeling that something terrible was happening?

Of course, to most people, a car accident would be terrible enough, but Cal was sure there was something more. Something he was almost too afraid to remember.

His first thought was for Ethan and his second for Matilda, but some innate knowledge told him instantly that they weren't there. Neither was Emilie. This was someone else. Someone else he cared about. But someone who he couldn't remember.

Cal turned his head slowly. He looked behind him, over the roof of his car, at a car lying with its wheels in the air, part of its side torn away from the impact of hitting the road.

Coming from the bonnet was smoke.

In a sudden rush of words and images, his memories returned. Katya's pimp was in that car. The only person in the world who knew the whereabouts of the girl Cal loved. He hurried to the boot, panting and dizzy, and pulled his rucksack out, slinging it over one shoulder. He cared nothing for the man who made Katya's life a misery, but she could be in there too.

He ran to the car and fell in front of it, letting his legs give way beneath him as he looked inside. The back and front passenger seat were empty. The only person in the car was that lowlife.

His eyes were open, his face smeared with blood. He tilted his head back, looking at Cal, silently asking for his help. He said something Cal couldn't understand; perhaps it was in Russian.

"I'm going to try and help you," said Cal clearly. He ran to the other side of the car and knelt down, unzipping his bag. "Where is she?"

The man spoke again in Russian, his voice hard.

"Speak English!" hissed Cal, not troubling to hide his fury. This man deserved none of his sympathy. Not after what he'd done to Katya; what he'd been doing to her for years.

There was no response.

Cal's mind filled with a burning, choking hatred, but he couldn't forget he was a doctor. He had to treat every patient, regardless of how much he loathed them. He pulled a piece of gauze out of his bag and held it towards the man. "Hold this."

The man held it against his face.

"Press hard," said Cal. "Harder!" He didn't bother to keep his voice gentle. "Right, tell me where she is."

The man was silent. It was difficult to tell through the blood, but he might have been smiling. "She's gone," he said at last.

Cal's heart clenched with fear. _She's gone_ … that could mean so many things. Did it mean she'd finally left him, as she wanted to for years… or had he killed her?

The man's eyelids fell half-closed.

"Hey, hey, come on. Stay with me," said Cal urgently. His voice rose to a shout, then dropped to a whisper as he repeated the words. He couldn't lose the one person who knew where Katya was.

The man's arm relaxed and fell away from his head, the gauze falling from his limp hand.

"Stay with me! Come on!" shouted Cal. He grabbed the man and shook him, harder than he would normally shake a casualty, but he was desperate. He had to find Katya or he would have failed again. His gaze moved sharply to the man's chest, but it was still. There wasn't room to give proper resuscitation, but Cal did what he could with one hand, pressing hard into the man's sternum. He slapped the man's face as panic took hold. "Come on! Hey! Come on! Stay with me!" He pressed down on his chest once more, but he knew it was no use. His hand stilled; he looked down at the man in misery as his eyes pooled with tears.

He hated to lose any patient. Even a man like this. But it wasn't just Katya's pimp who had died, but Cal's hopes of happiness.

He backed out of the car and leaned against it, trying not to cry. His head was agony: he felt as though someone had taken a hammer to it and then given several hard blows to his emotions for good measure. He closed his eyes – exhausted and without hope – but then his doctor's instincts returned.

There could be other people involved in this accident. If so, they would need Cal's help.

He stood up slowly. There was another car beyond the upturned one. Something white waved in the window: a hand. As Cal's noisy breathing slowed a little, a faint tapping came to his ears.

Someone needed his help. Someone needed to be saved.

Cal ran to the car and tried to open the door, but it was either stuck or locked. "Okay, try and open the door for me." His voice was clipped and tense, not his usual doctor voice, but perhaps an improvement on some of his recent efforts.

"I can't," said the voice from inside. She was a woman, probably in her sixties or above and she was clearly in pain.

"Okay, try one more time. Come on," said Cal. "Open the door!" He continued to pull almost desperately at the handle.

The woman was gasping and moaning with pain, but she managed the words: "I'm trying," and moments later, the door was open. As it opened, Cal noticed a trickling sound and looked down. Petrol was pouring from the car in a cascade, pooling on the floor around Cal's feet.

He glanced at the woman again. Under normal circumstances, he wouldn't consider moving her until she'd been properly assessed, but he knew there wasn't time for that. The other car had already caught light and if the flames reached the petrol, this car would go up too.

"Can you undo your seatbelt?" said Cal.

"No. I can't."

Cal reached across her to try to release it. "Okay," he said as he struggled with it, but the woman seemed to be in respiratory distress and he turned to look at her.

They both froze. The only sound in the car was the gasps as two pairs of eyes met and stared and couldn't believe it.

"I know you," said Cal, trying to get his brain to function. He had a feeling she was one of the last people he wanted to see, but he couldn't remember why. In any case, that wasn't important. He had to get her out of the car.

"Dr Knight," she said, and then he realised.

It was the partner of the lady he'd tried to treat in hospital earlier that day. A patient he'd failed with. A patient who probably didn't want to see him ever again.

What was her name? Hester?

Hester fixed her eyes on his. "Please, please, will you help Evie." Her voice was strong and forceful, but he could hear the weakness and desperation in it.

Evie, that was the partner…. Cal had thought Hester was alone in the car, but as she half-glanced behind her, Cal realised there was someone lying on the back seat. Her eyes were closed and she had several cuts on her face. They didn't look dangerous, but there could be other injuries and Evie, of course, was seriously unwell.

"Are you injured?" Cal asked Hester.

"No. No. I don't think so."

Cal looked at her doubtfully, but he was concerned about Evie now. She hadn't moved or spoken. She lay, pale and limp, in the back seat.

He raised his voice slightly, trying to get Evie's attention. "All right, talk to me!" Even if all she did was open her eyes or moved, at least that was a response, but there was nothing. In the front seat, Hester was moaning and Cal was sure she must be injured, but he had to see to the casualty in the more serious condition first. Hester was in poor shape but very much conscious.

Cal moved quickly to the other side of the car, grabbing a collar from his bag and tearing open the door.

"Leave me, please," said Evie, her voice soft but firm.

Cal was relieved she was conscious at least, but he knew it wouldn't be easy to get her out of the car – and he needed to. He couldn't wait for the ambulance crew to help him.

"It's over," said Evie.

"No, it's not over. We're going to get you out," said Cal. He didn't know if he could. He still felt dizzy and faint and he didn't know if the car would last that long. It didn't look as though Evie wanted to help herself - and to an extent, it was her choice. He couldn't force treatment on anybody.

But when he'd seen her earlier, she'd been so determined to live; to enjoy every last second.

What had changed?

"I'm dying," said Evie, her voice calm but firm.


	3. Chapter 3

**LittleBritishPerson** , I'm so relieved it's exciting - it's surprisingly difficult working from an episode and describing what's on the screen! I've used episodes before, but never as much as this. Thank you for your review.

 **GlitterGirl12** , don't worry - I did post the chapter very late! I'm so glad you love it. I hope you'll like this chapter too. I reviewed the first few chapters of your story last night - I hope you got them as some people are having trouble with reviews at the moment. Thank you for your review.

 **Tato Potato** , I'd actually forgotten about Cal's reckless side - there was so much else to think about - so I'm glad this has still come across! Thank you for your review - I'm so happy you're enjoying it. I hope you post more of your stories soon - I miss them.

 **CasualtyFan26** , thank you for your review - it's really kind of you to say that and I'm so happy you're enjoying it. I hope you enjoy this chapter too!

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review - I really appreciate your kind words and I hope you continue to enjoy the story.

Thank you **tracys dream** and **xEmmaPevensieDragonx** for the follows.

* * *

Cal heard Hester sobbing in the front seat. He spoke determinedly to Evie. "No, you are alive and kicking and you are coming right to the hospital with me."

"No!" said Evie.

"Yes, you are," said Cal.

"It's over, Hester. I'm done," murmured Evie, her words almost inaudible.

Cal realised she could be losing consciousness. Either that or she was giving up. Both could be dangerous, but she wasn't going to do either if he had anything to do it.

This time, he would do his job. This time, he would help her. _Save_ her. Give her the extra time with Hester she wanted so much.

"Evie? Evie! Look at me. Focus!" Cal gently turned her head towards him. "Right. There we go." As her eyes met his, he softened his voice and tried a comforting smile. "You are not dead, dying or done. Your aneurysm hasn't ruptured yet." He smiled again and heard her laugh softly. "It can't have done. You'd be dead by now if it had."

Evie laughed some more. "You used my name…"

"It was the only way to get you to listen," said Cal.

"My pain…"

"The aneurysm's probably leaking," said Cal. He said the words calmly. He didn't want her to panic, for her own sake or his. It would make rescuing her even more difficult and he _had_ to rescue her. He hadn't been able to save Katya and he so badly wanted to put right what he'd done wrong.

He glanced through the window and shock ran through him. The other car had caught light. It was only a short distance away and Cal knew the flames would spread quickly.

He kept his voice calm. "We need to get you out of here."

At that moment came the sound of sirens. Cal felt relief, but he knew he couldn't afford to wait for the emergency services. There was no time.

He returned to the front of the car and addressed Hester. "Okay. Can you move?"

"No, I think my leg is broken," said Hester, who was clearly in serious pain.

"Right," said Cal, feeling panic rising but quickly squashing it. They would both need help getting out of the car – but he could do it, he told himself. He could save them both and he would.

Hester heard the sirens and turned. A gasp escaped her lips and Cal knew she'd seen the flames, rising higher and higher.

The ambulance was almost there. But not close enough.

"We need to get you out of here right now," said Cal.

Hester cried aloud in pain.

"Let's go," said Cal, and reached for her seatbelt.

A voice sounded from behind Cal. "Come on, mate. Let's get you out of here."

"No, no, it's fine," said Cal urgently as he struggled with Hester's seatbelt.

The voice came again: he realised it was Iain's. "Come on: this thing could go up any moment!"

"No, wait!" said Cal, but he found himself roughly seized from behind and lifted out of the car. It was then that he panicked and began to struggle: the ambulance people needed him to help and if one was holding him, they were two medics down. He was aware that Dixie was trying to help Hester and Evie, but Cal had all the information. He could tell them what was wrong, but he needed Iain to let him go. "Iain, Iain, Iain, Iain, Iain, it's me!"

"Cal?" said Iain. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah," said Cal, a bit uncertainly, aware he wasn't really all right, but that would have to wait. He put more conviction into his voice. "Yeah, I'm fine."

They both looked over as Dixie's voice rose. Cal guessed she was trying to speak to Evie: she must have lost consciousness. Cal started to move again, but Iain held him back. "Wait! Dix?"

Dixie removed her head from the car and looked across at them. Her face changed. "Cal?"

Finally, Cal managed to pull away from Iain.

Dixie looked upset when she saw the state of him. It was always horrible when it was someone you knew. "What's going on, bud?"

Cal raced over to the car. "We've got a potential leaking aneurysm in the back and the seatbelt is stuck in the front." He bent over the seatbelt again, starting to cut through it with a strong pair of scissors from his bag.

"Right: we need to get them out of here sharpish," said Dixie.

"Yeah," agreed Cal.

Iain shouted to them from outside the car as another ambulance pulled up. "There's no more time. We need to go now."

"Nearly there; nearly there," said Cal. He forced himself to keep calm; to keep cutting; keep praying his hands wouldn't start to tremor when he really needed them to be steady.

"Cal, we need to get a move on!" shouted Iain.

Finally, the seatbeat gave way. "I got it: let's go, go, go."

Iain ran round to grab Hester, who cried out in pain.

Cal realised he'd forgotten to give the full details of Hester's condition (forgetting: that was a symptom of Huntington's), but there was no time to berate himself. He shouted to Dixie: "Steady: we've got a query fractured right tib and fib, all right?"

Everyone was shouting at once now. Dixie and Iain got Hester out between them and half-carried her out of the car and away. Hester screamed for her partner.

Cal crawled back into the car. "Right."

Evie moaned in pain. Hester screamed her name again.

"It's okay," said Cal, and his voice was almost calm even though it wasn't all right and there was no guarantee it would be. "Right: let's try and sit you up."

He could hear Dixie and Iain telling him to get out. Cal knew the flames were high; he knew they would soon reach the car and the petrol pooled around it, but he couldn't leave Evie now. He'd already let her down once – and he knew something of what Hester would feel if she lost her. He knew what it was like to lose someone you loved.

"Look at me. Look at me," Cal told Evie. He needed to calm her. He caught Evie's face in his hands. "Look at me. Look at me. Look!" Once he'd got her attention, his voice became soft; reassuring. "We're going to get you out of here, okay? Yeah? Stay with me. Whatever you do, look at me."

"Yes," said Evie.

"Nice and calm. Stay with me." Cal started to move back slightly, though he didn't let go of her.

"I am," said Evie softly.

"That's good," said Cal.

"Yes. Yes."

Cal supported her in his arms and started to climb backwards out of the car as he helped Evie. "All right. That's it. One more." He realised with relief that Dixie was beside him. "Stay with me."

Then he heard Iain's voice. "I need you to sit here for me, please."

"There we go. We've done it," said Cal. He helped her to sit on Iain's stretcher. "Here we go."

"Now I'm going to swing your legs around," said Iain.

"Good girl. Nearly there. Nearly there," said Dixie.

Cal knew the flames were nearly there too.

Dixie was shouting. "Just go, go go!"

Iain and Dixie wheeled Evie away, but Cal knew it wasn't over yet. It couldn't be.

What if Katya was still in that car? What if…

The boot. She could be in the boot.

It was a long shot. He thought it was more likely her pimp would lead him away from Katya rather than lead Cal to wherever he was taking her, but if there was even a chance Katya was in there…

Cal ran towards it. The quickest way was past Hester and Evie's car, but he had to take the quickest way. If Katya was going to have any chance at all…

He heard an explosion. He felt himself flying through the air.

He felt nothing.

* * *

Dixie heard the explosion and spun round, but she couldn't see Cal.

At first she only saw flames, leaping into in the air. The remains of Hester and Evie's car.

 _Not again. Please God, not again! You can't make Ethan go through what I went through!_

Then she saw him, lying sprawled on the ground. His legs were splayed unnaturally wide; his back and neck twisted. He wasn't moving.

Dixie heard Iain loading the stretcher into the ambulance. She heard explosions around her. Terror began to build up inside her. She couldn't go through this again. She couldn't.

And then she was moving; running to Cal's side and calling his name. "Cal! Cal!" She threw herself to the ground beside him. "Cal. Cal, sweetheart, talk to me." She put one hand on his shoulder and bent close to him, listening for his breathing; watching for the rise and fall of his chest. "Cal? Cal!"

He wasn't breathing.

Dixie felt the heat of the flames on her back. She opened her mouth to call for Iain, but her vocal cords were frozen. She tried to turn back to Cal so she could roll him onto his back and open his airway; give what artificial respiration she could before Iain arrived to help her, but she found she couldn't move at all.

It was happening again and she couldn't stop it. They would lose a fine young doctor who had been so brave. If he hadn't been here; hadn't been able to assess the situation, it would have taken them longer to get Hester and Evie out of the car. They probably wouldn't have had the time to save both of them. Perhaps even both of them might have been lost.

Now they could lose Cal.

Now they _would_ lose Cal, all because Dixie had frozen and couldn't move. This was her job: the job she'd loved; the job she'd done for years and done well, but now, when it mattered to her personally as well as professionally; when it mattered to so many of the people she cared about, she could do nothing.

She was letting him down. Letting all of them down.

Letting Jeff down too because he wouldn't have done this. He would have saved Cal. He'd have carried Cal out of danger while she just sat here.

"Dixie!" Iain was there, bending down beside her. "Dixie, we've got to get him out of here… Dixie!" He shook her shoulders hard. "Dixie, look at me. You've got to look at me."

Her gaze was frozen. She saw Iain's face as he wavered between her and Cal. The young man should take precedence over the older woman; she knew that. At this point she didn't care. She had nothing left but her job, and if she couldn't do that, she didn't care that her life was in danger.


	4. Chapter 4

**Tato Potato** , thank you for your review - I'm pleased you enjoyed the chapter. Cal definitely isn't okay at the moment, but you know how determined and dedicated the ED staff are. They won't give up on him easily.

 **beckyboogle** , thank you for your review. I couldn't let Cal's last thought be anything other than Ethan! I haven't really written Dixie properly before, but she makes the story even more interesting to write.

 **totti10** , thank you so much! That really is very kind of you. There was so much in the episode, I suppose there just wasn't room for Dixie's feelings, but I was pleased when GlitterGirl12 asked me to include it in this story as her experiences are very relevant. It can be very difficult using actual dialogue in a story - I think it helped that I started off by typing up the dialogue and then added to it, rather than the other way round. Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , I'm glad you liked the part about Dixie - I was disappointed there was nothing about that in the episode, though there really wasn't time for it. I also wanted to include the Huntington's without making it a major theme, so I'm really happy it worked! Thank you for your review.

 **xXSophXx** , thank you for you review. I know what you mean - there are a lot of fanfics I'd like to read, but I mostly stick to my very favourite characters as there aren't enough hours in the day for all of them. Thank you for making an exception for my story - I'm so happy you're enjoying it.

 **CBloom2** , I think it would be very difficult for me to let Cal die - but I do like to challenge myself sometimes! Thank you for your review - I'm glad you're enjoying it.

 **LittleBritishPerson** , thank you for your review - I'm flattered that you think the last chapter was worth taking a break for! I really hope the rest of the story lives up to your expectations.

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review - it's amazing to think you're finding something I've written exciting! I hope you enjoy this chapter too.

 **TheAtomicCheese** , thank you for your review - I'm really happy you're enjoying the story. I'm guessing you're busy at the moment as you're reviewing as a guest and haven't updated your stories for a while (please update soon) - thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope you enjoy Chapter 4.

 _Thank you,_ ** _SorchaGleek97_** _, **CasualtyFanForever81**_ **,** _**totti10** , **Casualty cal and Ethan** , **larub12** ,_ **xXSophXx** , _and **blumccoy** for the follows and favourites. I hope you're all enjoying it. _

* * *

"Ethan, will your brother be gracing us with his presence today?" asked Connie.

Ethan honestly didn't know. He didn't know anything that was going on with Cal now. He could understand why Cal was upset: losing Matilda had devastated Ethan, so he could only imagine how Cal must be feeling. Cal might claim he was moving on from Matilda, but whenever Ethan saw Cal, he was either crying or red-eyed or looking as though he could burst into tears at any moment. Ethan had tried talking to him, but Cal wouldn't talk.

Ethan couldn't bear it. He felt so helpless. His brother's world was falling apart and there was nothing he could do.

It was possible there was a bit more to this than losing Matilda. Taylor's reappearance might also have played a part: Ethan knew how much Cal had loved her. Cal's exam result had also been a terrible disappointment - especially now he'd found out he hadn't got more marks than Ethan. He'd seemed to forget about that when Matilda had come into their lives – both the exam result and the revision he needed to do for the resit – but now Matilda was gone and Cal was in pieces, and it was difficult to know what had played a part and what hadn't when Cal refused to talk about it.

The fact that Cal hadn't made it to work worried Ethan more than he wanted to let on. Cal was nothing if not predictable. When he wanted to forget about something, he got drunk and had sex - and in a way, Ethan had been almost glad it had happened last night as it could have been an indication that Cal was returning to his old self. But the day after his alcohol-fuelled exploits, Cal was almost always back at work. If his hangover was very severe, he stayed in bed, but if he was able to leave the flat, then he went to work because no matter how much Cal might moan, he loved his job.

So why wasn't he here? Where was he?

The feeling of helplessness overwhelmed Ethan to such an extent that he nearly blurted everything out to Connie, but he quickly realised he mustn't. Connie wouldn't understand and in any case, she didn't want to know all Ethan's fears and insecurities. She didn't have time for that. All she cared about was whether Cal was coming to work.

"I honestly don't know," Ethan told the clinical lead.

Connie glared at him and Ethan knew she held him personally responsible, even though Cal was an adult and Ethan was the younger brother anyway. But all she said was: "If and when he makes an appearance, tell him I'd like to see him."

Ethan agreed, feeling annoyed with Cal for putting him in this position, but as Connie walked away, Ethan's irritation faded.

All he wanted was for Cal to be okay.

* * *

Dixie watched as Iain prepared to roll Cal onto the backboard. Dixie should be helping, of course. If Cal had suffered a cervical spine injury, they needed to support his back as they rolled him, but Iain seemed to realise he was on his own.

He supported Cal's spine as he rolled him onto his back and fitted a collar. He was about to lift him onto the trolley, but at the last minute, he turned to Dixie.

"Dix, I know you're scared, but I need your help. I can't do this without you. I can't lift Cal safely on my own and I can't defibrillate, intubate or any of that stuff when I'm driving. I know it's hard for you, but if Cal's going to get through this, he's going to need us to do both."

Dixie knew he was right. He was exactly right.

Iain put his hands on her shoulders. "Dixie, I do understand. I know you don't want to go through the same thing again and I get that. Being in this situation again… it would upset anyone." His voice was clear and calm, but she could see the anxiety in his eyes. "But I need you and Cal needs you – and Ethan needs you. You lost Jeff and I can't imagine how that feels. But unless we get Cal into that ambulance, Ethan's going to feel just like you did." Iain's expression was pleading. "Please, Dix. Do this. For me. For Cal. For Ethan. For Jeff. I know you can do it."

For a moment, Dixie really thought she couldn't. She was trying to move. She'd been trying all along.

But then the stiffness seemed to melt from her body and mind. She turned to Iain. "Right. Let's do this."

The look of relief on Iain's face was something she would never forget. He sounded almost emotional as he said simply: "Good girl, Dixie. Good girl."

"On my count," said Dixie, and they moved Cal onto the backboard and lifted him onto the trolley. "Right: let's go!" They hurried to the ambulance and loaded Cal into the back. "You drive, Iain."

Iain nodded and went to the front of the vehicle while Dixie made sure the trolley was secure. She switched on the AED and cut away Cal's top so she could place the pads on his skin. She heard the machine charging and waited, her eyes on Cal's chest, hoping that he might miraculously have started breathing. She gave the shock and watched Cal's body jump into the air and then lie still.

Dixie placed her finger against his neck.

No pulse.

* * *

Ethan was standing ready to help with the RTC when he saw Connie coming towards him. He guessed she wanted to ask him about Cal and felt a wave of annoyance that he still hadn't shown up.

Then he saw the look on Connie's face.

"Ethan," she said gently. "Come with me."

"But… I thought you wanted me to help," he said, confused. She looked so kind and sympathetic.

Connie took his arm and led him away from the others. "Ethan, I'm so sorry."

And then Ethan knew. "It's Cal, isn't it? Cal was involved in the RTC!"

It was his fault. He knew Cal had been drinking heavily. He should have known Cal wasn't fit to drive and he should have stopped him. But he'd stayed away from Cal because he was a stupid, shy idiot who was scared of running into a naked woman.

"Is he… is he…." Ethan's legs were shaking hard.

Connie helped him to sit on the floor. He knew it was serious when she sat beside him. "Ethan, he's not dead. He saved two people's lives, but then he went to help someone else and the car exploded. Cal wasn't in the car when it exploded, but the force of the explosion threw him backwards. I'm afraid I don't have any more information. I'm so sorry, Ethan. You know our paramedics will be doing everything they can - and so will we when he gets here."

Ethan said nothing. He sat where he was, his breathing quickening, grateful when Connie slipped an arm around his shoulders. "I want to treat him."

"Of course you do," said Connie gently. "But you know you can't."

Ethan knew she was right. He put his hands to his spinning head. "How long till he arrives?"

"They're only about five minutes away," said Connie. "So I really can't stay. Ethan, can you be really brave for me and go and wait in the staff room?"

"Okay," said Ethan in a little voice.

"Thank you," said Connie. She stood up, then helped Ethan to his feet. He looked at her in wordless fear. Gently, she took his hand and he walked beside her, feeling lost. "Lofty, can you come here, please?"

Lofty came over at once. He glanced at Ethan, his face concerned.

"Lofty, we've just found out Cal was injured in the RTC. Could you take Ethan to the staff room and sit with him, please? I think we can spare one nurse and I know you're close to Cal too."

Lofty nodded. He looked shocked and upset, but his voice was gentle. "Of course, Mrs Beauchamp. I'm so sorry, Ethan." He put his arm around Ethan's shoulders. "Come on, mate. Come with me."

Erhan felt Connie squeezing his hand before she let go. "We'll do our best, Ethan. I promise."

Ethan knew she feared their best wouldn't be good enough.


	5. Chapter 5

_Thank you so much for all the support and encouragement - I really appreciate it so much._

 **xXSophXx** , if I do kill Cal off, it's probably going to be the hardest thing I've ever written. Which doesn't necessarily mean I won't do it! Thank you for your review.

 **ETWentHome** , I'm so glad I'm managing to write Ethan and Dixie's emotions - I've never been in their situations so I am guessing a bit. Thank you for your review.

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. I wasn't sure at first how Ethan would react, but then I thought of him becoming childlike - I really am so happy you like it.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. Connie almost seems like two different characters sometimes - she's either cutting or compassionate! It was good to write a chapter that showed both sides of her.

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review. I'm really happy you like the way I've written Ethan. It's not easy, but encouragement like yours really helps.

 **CBloom2** , I'm looking forward to writing the moment when Ethan sees Cal, even though it will be very challenging. Thank you for your review - I'm really glad you liked Ethan's scene with Connie.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your reviews - I'm really happy you're still reading this. I'm really glad you like it and that you're sympathising with all the characters. I want a miracle too - but sometimes stories write themselves!

Thank you **Iaveina** for favouriting this story.

* * *

"You got anything, Dix?" Iain called from the driver's seat. His voice was calm, casual, but Dixie didn't doubt he was as worried as she was. That was why he'd asked about Cal three times in the last minute. Because he couldn't believe that only a minute had passed.

"No. Nothing," she replied. She didn't waste her breath saying more: she had to continue with compressions. She'd given Cal a few shocks with the defibrillator and had also taken the decision to intubate, but there was still no response. Still no pulse.

Dixie knew that in cases of cardiac arrest, the chances of survival were only about 68%, a figure which dropped with every passing minute. Some of the delay couldn't be helped: they'd had to get Cal away quickly but safely in case there was another explosion. There had even been a case for leaving Cal where he was. The first thing for a paramedic to assess was safety and it hadn't been safe for Dixie to approach Cal.

But the main reason for the delay was her own hesitation. She knew that. Iain knew that. And soon, Dixie could be having to make the decision about whether Ethan needed to know that too, or if it was a secret she and Iain could carry with them for the rest of their lives.

Ethan would want to know exactly what happened, Dixie thought as she pressed against Cal's sternum, automatically counting along with her thoughts. He would have questions. The relatives always did have questions and they were so attuned to everything you said and didn't say; to every pause and hesitation. Ethan's medical knowledge could play a part too. He would know if she was hiding something and know which questions to ask to discover the truth.

If Ethan knew that Dixie could have got Cal into the ambulance sooner, how would that make him feel?

Even if she didn't tell Ethan, how could she come to work every day and look into his face, knowing what she'd done?

* * *

Ethan sat in the staff room, staring in front of him. Lofty had made him a cup of tea, but Ethan hadn't drunk any of it. That would involve moving and Ethan didn't think he could. He had an idea in his mind – a stupid idea – that if he stayed really still, maybe none of this would be real. If he concentrated hard enough, it might not happen.

He'd done it as a child when his parents had argued, or when Cal had argued with his dad. He'd crawled under the bed, scrunched himself into a tight little ball, closed his eyes, put his fingers in his ears, and told himself it wasn't real and it wasn't happening.

Usually, by the time Ethan removed his fingers from his ears, the shouting had stopped and all was still, and he'd told himself he really had stopped it and all his wishing and hoping had made everything okay.

Sometimes, of course, he failed. Sometimes, the argument was still going on because Ethan hadn't wished hard enough. Even when the argument was over, there were times when Cal would run up to the room they shared and throw himself into his bed and cry his eyes out, sometimes in anger and sometimes in misery. When this happened, Ethan would crawl out from under the bed and give Cal a cuddle, trying to blink back tears of his own. Partly because he loved Cal and always wanted to comfort him if he was unhappy. Partly because he owed it to his brother for not trying hard enough to make everything okay.

At least, that was what had happened in the early days. Later, Cal had started to become embarrassed by his tears and Ethan's hugs. He'd started pushing Ethan away, eventually ensuring Ethan never hugged him again.

Ethan remembered the last time he'd hugged Cal; _really_ hugged him. It had surprised Ethan a bit because the hug had come out of nowhere. They hadn't given each other good night hugs for years, yet Cal had hugged him. It was a surprise, and quite an uncomfortable surprise because Ethan was so unused to hugging, but he'd hoped it might get easier.

It was only the following morning that he'd realised Cal was hugging him goodbye. And so had begun a silence that had lasted many years; a coldness that hadn't completely died, even now. Keeping Ethan at a distance, even when Cal clearly needed to be hugged and all Ethan wanted was to hold him.

 _Oh, Cal, if I get the chance to hug you again…_

Of course, Ethan now knew that hoping and wishing achieved nothing, but there was nothing else he could do. He closed his eyes and wished all the harder, saying the same words over and over again in his head. _It's not real it's not happening it's not real it's not happening please don't be real please Cal be okay I love you_

But it wasn't working. How could it be working? How could a voice in Ethan's head make Cal's heart beat again? He was useless: he couldn't do anything!

Ethan dropped his head into his hands. A moment later, he felt Lofty's hand on his back, rubbing it lightly.

Ethan lifted his head and turned to Lofty, meeting his concerned, compassionate gaze. Ethan spoke, his voice small and broken. "I just want him to be all right, Lofty."

Lofty nodded sadly. "I know, Ethan," he said. "I know."

* * *

At last; at long, long, last, the ambulance stopped outside the hospital. Dixie stayed where she was, continuing with compressions, then the doors were opened from the outside and Connie and Charlie were there, along with other doctors and nurses.

"Right: let's get him to Resus." Connie spoke calmly as though she was just another unknown patient. "Robyn, take over compressions while we're moving, please. Dixie, tell me what we've got."

Dixie opened her mouth to speak, not knowing for sure if anything would come out, but realising she had to speak because she was the only person who knew all the details. "This is Caleb Knight," she began, her voice wavery but clear, and as she continued speaking, doing the job she'd done and loved for so many years, her voice became calm - or as calm as a voice could be when you were revealing medical information at top speed. She told Connie about his possible injuries (his back was the main problem, though she was concerned about both his legs); the treatment he'd received, including the endotracheal intubation and the number of shocks. Even as her mind was screaming and panicking, her voice stayed in control as she said everything she needed to ensure that Cal got the best possible treatment.

They arrived in Resus and crowded around Cal. Dixie counted to three and then Cal was lying on the bed, looking strangely small and vulnerable as the doctors and nurses surrounded him, obeying Connie's shouted instructions. Dixie would usually have left at this point because her part of the job was over, but she stayed, watching, as Connie and her colleagues fought to save Cal's life.

She felt a hand on her shoulder. "Come on, Dix. We can't stay in here."

"I've got to," said Dixie hoarsely, her voice failing her only now when it didn't matter.

Iain nodded. He came to stand beside her, his arm around her shoulder. "Then I'm staying too."


	6. Chapter 6

**ETWentHome** , thank you for your review. I thought Connie would want to treat Cal herself, but I couldn't leave poor Ethan all on his own!

 **tracys dream** , I'm glad you like the detail - it's difficult putting their anguish into words, so I'm really glad it's working for you. Ethan will see Cal in the chapter after this one. Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , I'm sure Ethan would be very grateful for your support - just don't tell him it's all my fault! You'll hear about Cal soon. Thank you for your review.

 **LittleBritishPerson** , thank you for your review. I wanted them to stay professional as that's what Cal needs, but I'm glad I've brought across all the emotions too. I hope you continue to enjoy it.

 **Tanith Panic** , I thought Lofty would be the best person to look after Ethan - and it also means I get to write about Lofty! There will be a lot of heartbroken people if Cal doesn't make it. Thank you for your review.

 **GlitterGirl12** , I'm so glad you like it! Thank you for asking me to include Dixie in the story - I might not have thought of it without you. Thank you for your review.

 **thetailoftwobrothers** , thank you for your review - I'm so glad you're enjoying the story. It's really good to know it's exciting - I was worried as it's mostly been either a rewrite of the episode or nothing much happening!

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review - they are always very welcome and never too late! I'm glad you like the part about the hugging. I loved the hug in the episode.

Thank you to **iaindean** and **thetailoftwobrothers** for your follows and favourites.

* * *

They weren't allowed to stay, of course. As soon as Connie noticed they were still there, she told them to get out – rather more gently than she would usually have done, it was true, but leaving Dixie and Iain in no doubt of what was expected.

As they walked out of Resus, Dixie felt herself stumbling and was grateful for Iain's supporting arm. At one time, she'd doubted his abilities as a paramedic and had believed she'd never be able to trust him and rely on him completely as she had Jeff, but she knew she'd been wrong about that. Nobody could have offered her greater support than Iain had today.

"Right: you sit down and I'll make you some tea," said Iain. "And let's not have any nonsense about how you can make it yourself. I know you can. You've just proved you can do pretty much anything. But…" Iain fell silent as some of his determination faded. "Just let me make it, Dix, okay?"

Dixie nodded. She really didn't care who made the tea, or even if it was made at all. It wasn't important. Not when there was a young doctor in Resus, fighting for his life. "It's not true, Iain."

She didn't clarify what she meant. She knew Iain would understand. He abandoned the tea and came to sit beside her. "Dixie, you _can_ do anything. What you did today took a lot of courage."

"You know that's not true," said Dixie quietly. "It's nice of you to say that, Iain, but we all know what happened out there. I froze."

"Understandably," said Iain.

"No. Not understandably. I had a job to do and I didn't do it." Dixie's voice rose. "I delayed his treatment and because of that, he could die. _Cal_ could die."

She knew the fact it was Cal shouldn't really make it any worse. Everyone they failed to help had people who cared about them – even if they didn't know it.

But when you knew the person, it was always worse.

Iain put his arm around her. "He was in cardiac arrest, Dixie. Sometimes there's nothing you can do, no matter how quick you are."

"What do we tell Ethan?" whispered Dixie.

Iain's face filled with emotion. "I don't know, Dix," he said.

* * *

 _He's going to be all right. Cal is going to be all right. He will recover. Connie will save him. He'll be okay and I'll get my brother back and whatever it is that's been tearing him apart, I'm going to support him. He'll be okay. He'll be fine. Just like he always is. He's got to be!_

 _Oh, Cal, please be okay… you've got to be okay…_

"Ethan!" He heard Lofty's voice; felt his hands on his shoulders. "Ethan, look at me. Come on, Ethan. Look at me."

 _Please, Cal!_ Ethan thought as he felt Lofty gently turning his body and lifting his chin. _You've got to be okay! I need you to be okay!_

His eyes met Lofty's.

"That's good, Ethan," said Lofty. "I want you to keep looking at me, okay? Now, can you breathe in, as deep as you can?"

Ethan tried, but his breath got stuck halfway. He released it and took another gasping breath.

"Keep trying, Ethan," coaxed Lofty. "I'm going to help you." He took Ethan's hand. "Okay, I'm going to put your hand against my chest. There you are. Now feel my breathing." He breathed in and out. "Did you feel that? It's quite slow, isn't it? Let's see if we can get your breathing a bit closer to that."

Ethan nodded. He didn't know why his breathing was important, but it sounded like it was, so he would do what Lofty wanted. Maybe it would even help Cal.

"Breathe in with me, Ethan," said Lofty.

Ethan breathed in, only to clap a hand to his own chest as he felt stabbing pain.

"It's okay, Ethan. Just keep breathing. That should help with the pain," said Lofty.

"I want to help Cal," said Ethan, his breath hitching even more.

There was a flash of pain on Lofty's face. "I know you do, Ethan. And Cal's going to need you to keep calm for him. He'll be upset if he sees you panicking. So we'll try and calm you down, then you can help keep Cal calm too. Okay?"

"Okay!" Ethan gasped the word.

"You can do this, Ethan," said Lofty.

Ethan thought he was probably right. He _could_ breathe. He _could_ calm down.

But he couldn't lost Cal. He just couldn't.

* * *

Connie pounded desperately at Cal's chest. He'd been down for so long and she knew his chances of a full recovery – or even any kind of recovery – were low. She knew that if this was anyone else, she'd be considering calling it.

But it was Cal and she couldn't.

"Connie." That was Charlie's voice. She sensed rather than saw movement and knew that Charlie was standing opposite her, though her eyes remained focused on Cal. "Connie, you've got to stop. You can't keep going forever."

"You want me to call this?" Connie was shocked by the ball of tight emotion in her throat, and even more shocked by how hard it was to fight it. "You want me to let Cal die?"

"No," said Charlie gently. "I want you to stand down and let me take a turn. Okay?"

Connie looked at him doubtfully, though she didn't pause in her task. She knew she'd underestimated Charlie when she'd first joined the department. She knew he had far more strength than it seemed. But he was still an elderly man with a heart condition and she could keep going. She knew she could.

She had to.

If nothing else, she had to do it for the little brother in the staff room who had looked at her, so frightened and lost, as he'd realised he could be about to lose his brother.

"Come on, Connie," said Charlie. "I can cope with a few compressions. And when I tire, Robyn can take over. We can do this, but we've got to do it together."

Connie hesitated, nodded, and waited while Charlie placed his hands above hers. As she moved hers away, Charlie's replaced them seamlessly. Connie stepped back, realising how exhausted she was – mentally and physically.

But she wasn't ready to give up. She didn't think there was one person in the room who was ready to give up – and if she was, she wanted them out of there.

Once she'd caught her breath a little bit, she turned and looked at the team crowded around the bed. There were varying expressions on their faces. Fear. Sadness. Anger. Helplessness. But Connie knew they were all with her.

Her gaze returned to Charlie. Even without looking, she'd been counting and now it was time. She moved to the defibrillator. "Charging… oxygen away… shocking."

Charlie moved his hand towards Cal's neck.

* * *

Lofty put the lukewarm mug into Ethan's hands and sat back down beside him. Ethan's hands clutched at the mug convulsively, not so much for the little remaining warmth but because he needed something to hold on to.

He turned to Lofty in desperation, seeking reassurance he knew could never be given. "Why hasn't she come back, Lofty?" The words barely made it through his tight throat. "Connie?"

He saw some of his pain echoed on Lofty's face, but his voice was steady as he answered the question. "She'll want to stay with Cal, Ethan. She'll want to make sure everyone is doing their best for him."

"Why is it taking so long?"

Lofty put his arm around Ethan. "It's not taking that long. It just seems ttat way because you're worried."

For a moment, Ethan clung to that shred of comfort, but then he shook his head. He could see the clock on the wall. The hands had moved slowly, but he knew how far they'd moved. If there was still no heartbeat, Connie would have to make a decision about now.

A sudden trembling gripped Ethan's hands. Liquid slopped from the mug and fell on Ethan's knees. Lofty gently took the mug from him and put it on the floor, gripping Ethan's wet hands. As the warmth from Lofty's hands seeped into his own, the trembling abated, but the anguish remained.

Ethan slowly lifted his head and met Lofty's kind blue eyes. "I'm scared, Lofty," he confessed, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Oh, Ethan, of course you are." Lofty let go of one of Ethan's hands and wrapped his arm tightly around him. "I know it doesn't really help, but I'm here, mate. I'm here."

Ethan didn't usually like physical contact, but he needed it now. He needed Lofty's strength; his warmth; everything about him. He fixed his gaze on Lofty as he tried to fight back a flood of emotion. "Please, Lofty. Please tell me he's going to be all right."

Lofty's face seemed to quiver, but he didn't take his eyes off Ethan. "I can't tell you that, Ethan. You know I can't."

"Please just say it!" Ethan's voice rose. "Please, Lofty. Please. I just need to hear it."

" _Ethan_!" Lofty almost moaned the name, but then his voice was calm again. "Okay. He's going to be all right, Ethan. He's going to be fine."

"Thank you," whispered Ethan.

"Cal's going to be fine – and so are you."

Ethan nodded, Lofty's words repeating in his mind. He knew they meant nothing. He knew that Lofty couldn't possibly know. But he needed to hear it.

"He's going to be fine," whispered Lofty as the staff room door opened.

Connie stood there, her eyes full of tears.


	7. Chapter 7

**ETWentHome** , thank you for your review - I was hoping it would be emotional so I'm really happy I succeeded. I'm not the best judge as I cry at everything! I'm really glad you're enjoying this story.

 **LittleBritishPerson** , I think it would take a lot for Connie to give up on Cal - but on the other hand, she is a professional and she will know when there's no chance. I'm glad you like Lofty supporting Ethan. Thank you for your review.

 **totti10** , thank you for your review - you really are so kind! I didn't consciously try to choose unusual pairings for support, but I'm really enjoying writing about them and I'm so happy it reads well too. I'm especially glad you like Ethan and Lofty. Thank you.

 **DoubleNatural** , thank you for your review. I'm really happy you're enjoying it. I hope you enjoy Chapter 7.

 **CasualtyFanForever81** , thank you for your review - I'm really glad you enjoyed the latest update.

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm glad you think Lofty is adorable - that's exactly how he should be, so I'm obviously not messing it up. You will find out something in this chapter. Thank you for your review

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. It's so amazing that you're on the edge of your seat about something I've written! You'll find out Connie's news very soon...

 **CBloom2** , there is more than one reason why Connie could be crying - but you're probably right to worry. That's what I'd do! Thank you for your review.

 **GlitterGirl12** , I'm sorry for making you cry, but I don't think you would unless you care about the story and it's always so lovely when someone cares about something I've written. Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , I don't want to kill Cal, but I want to do what feels right for the story... I'm glad you like the different points of view - because of that, I've brought in another character, though she will only have a small part in the story. Thank you for your review.

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review - I'm so happy you liked the chapter. I hope you like this one too.

 **thetailoftwobrothers** , I don't like to use cliffhangers too often, but when I'm updating every day, I feel I can afford a small amount of sneakiness! Thank you for your review - I'm really happy I've managed to make the story emotional.

Thank you to **DoubleNatural** , for the follow.

 _I hope you don't mind that I brought in another character who wasn't in the episode, but with Cal a patient, Connie treating Cal and Ethan in no state to treat anybody, I'd run out of doctors!_

* * *

Ethan moved slowly towards Connie. His throat felt tight with unshed tears and his eyes stung. He'd been expecting this moment, but he knew he could never be prepared for it. Lofty stood up too and came to stand beside Ethan: not speaking or intruding on the scene in any way, but just being there.

Connie brushed a tear away. "Ethan… I'm sorry…"

Ethan stopped in front of her. "It's all right, Mrs Beauchamp." He felt as though he was breaking apart inside. There was such an ache in his heart, he wondered that didn't stop beating too – and in a way, he wished it would. But he could see Connie was upset too and he knew that giving news of a death never got easy and was only worse when you know the patient. "Please tell me what happened. I know you did everything you could for my brother – more than any other doctor would, I'm sure – and I'm very grateful to you for all you've done. I'm sure Cal would have appreciated it too."

Connie put her hand over her mouth and gave a strangled sob, but then she reached out and took his hand. "Ethan, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. Cal is alive. We got his heart restarted. It took a long time, but he is alive."

"He's… alive?" The words hardly made sense to Ethan. How could it be possible that Cal was alive?

Connie swallowed and blinked hard. When she spoke, she sounded more like her usual self. "He is alive, Ethan. But of course… we don't know…"

"He was down for a long time and he also has the added complication of the head injury," said Ethan gently. "So you can't be sure… if he's still the same or if he's… changed in any way. And surgery is always a risk."

"I'm so sorry, Ethan," said Connie. "We can't be sure of anything till Cal wakes up."

Ethan nodded. "I understand that." Tears clouded his vision and unsteadied his voice, but he kept speaking. "But he's alive and I know I probably sound like I'm devastated, but – but I'm so happy and so grateful." Ethan blinked his tears away, knowing Connie would feel worse if he cried. "Thank you, Mrs Beauchamp, for everything you've done, and for coming to tell me. And for letting Lofty stay with me. He's really helped."

"I'm glad, Ethan," said Connie, aiming a shaky smile over Ethan's shoulder at Lofty.

"Would it be possible for me to see him?" asked Ethan. The thought filled him with apprehension, but he also knew that it was what he wanted. He needed to see his brother. He needed to do whatever he could to let Cal know he was there.

"Of course you can," said Connie. She took his hand for a moment and held it tightly. She didn't speak, but Ethan looked into her eyes and he could guess everything she was feeling and not telling him. She was almost as grateful for his understanding as he was for the help she'd given Cal. "I'll take you to see him now."

* * *

Dixie jumped when her phone rang. She wasn't usually a jumpy person, but today, she almost felt like someone else. She expected at any moment to hear the bad news. Iain hadn't spoken to her for a while, guessing she wanted to be quiet, but he hadn't moved from her side. She knew, without his saying anything, that he was there if she did need to talk.

"I'll get it," said Iain quietly, reaching out his hand for the phone.

Dixie wanted to say no. She wanted to tell him there was no need to worry about her and she was able to answer her own phone, thank you very much. But the sight of it ringing filled her with terror and guilt and she just knew the phone call was about Cal.

When Iain informed her the call was from Robyn, this only confirmed it, though Dixie made a very unsuccessful attempt to laugh off her fears with a comment that Robyn was probably phoning to return the sexy voicemail he'd accidentally left her instead of Rita.

"Hi, Robyn," said Iain. There were lines of tension on his face. "What? He _is_?" He turned instantly to Dixie, relief in his voice and features. "Dixie, they managed to restart Cal's heart. He's going to surgery now. He's not out of the woods, but he's alive!"

Dixie put her hands over her face and couldn't speak for several seconds. She heard Iain asking for more details, then he said goodbye and moved closer to Dixie.

"Listen to me, Dixie. You saved Cal's life," said Iain seriously. "If you hadn't gone back for Cal; if you hadn't started resuscitation and bought him enough time to get him to the hospital… I know you were freaked out and no-one could blame you for that, but you _saved_ him."

"But if there's an injury to his brain…" said Dixie.

"We don't know that there is," said Iain. "But if there is, it could have happened when he was thrown by the blast and hit his head. There are so many things that could have caused it, Dixie, but without you, if you hadn't reacted so quickly, we wouldn't even be debating this. You saved his life or at least prolonged it; gave him and Ethan a bit of hope." His voice was fierce. "And I'm not going to let you forget it."

* * *

"Yes, this is Dr Hanna," said Zoe. "Yes, I was involved in Evelyn Thompson's care."

She could guess what had happened from the surgeon's voice. To anyone else, it might have appeared neutral, but Zoe had been in this job too long not to recognise the slightest of nuances in the voice.

"I'm very sorry, Dr Hanna, but Ms Thompson didn't make it. We did our best for her, but unfortunately, she wasn't strong enough to survive surgery."

Zoe thanked the surgeon for letting her know in a calm, professional voice she doubted deceived him either. She stood silently for several seconds, not realising she'd forgotten to hand the phone up until she became aware her hand was aching from gripping it too tightly.

She was sad for so many reasons. The loss of a patient was always a devastating moment. Zoe didn't believe she'd ever get used to that. There was also Evie's partner Hester Price to consider: treated for her injuries, but unable to rest comfortably until she knew the woman she loved was safe.

And then there was Cal, who had risked his life and so nearly lost it to save Evie, now under the knife himself.

If Cal came through this; if the injury to his brain wasn't severe, Zoe would have to tell him what had happened to Evie.

"Hey, Zoe," said a voice she knew so well, friendly but still guarded. When she turned to him, the wary look on his face was replaced by concern. "Zoe, are you okay?"

"No, Max," she said, and ran into his arms.

* * *

Ethan looked down at the figure lying in the bed and felt all the emotion he'd been trying to hold back finally breaking through. He dropped to his knees beside the bed and sobbed, clinging to Cal's hand. He tried to speak but couldn't. He hoped Cal understood that despite his sadness and terror, he was also happy; happier than he ever thought he'd be again. He felt Connie squeezing his shoulder lightly, then heard the tap of her heels as she walked away, leaving him alone with his brother.

Once Ethan's tears had subsided somewhat and he finally felt able to speak, he sniffed hard and brushed his hands across his cheeks. "Hey, Cal. Sorry about that. I didn't mean to."

He looked at his brother's pale, sleeping face and felt another wave of tears threaten.

"Cal, I just want to say that I'm here and no matter what happens in the future, I'll always be here. I know I haven't always been a good brother. I know you haven't been happy for a while and I know you've tried to tell me, but I've always pushed you away. I'm so sorry for that and I just want you to know… it's not because I don't care. I do. I care very much and all I want is for you to wake up and get better so I can help you and support you and make sure you get through whatever is hurting you. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I know how hard it is to find the words sometimes. But I'm here, Cal. If you do want to talk, I'm listening. If you want to sit in silence, I'll sit beside you. If you want to cry, I'll be here to hold you. I don't know what's wrong, but I know it's serious and I'm not expecting it to go away just because I've finally worked through my own stupid fears and insecurities enough to help you, but you're not on your own anymo."

Ethan paused to remove his glasses and wipe away more tears.

"I know you probably can't hear me, but that's okay because I'm going to say it again when you wake up. I'm going to say it as many times as it takes to persuade you to believe me. Then I'll say it a few more times because it can't be said enough. I… I love you, Cal. I love you." He wiped his hand, wet with tears, on his scrub trousers and then rested it against Cal's cheek. "And I'll always be here."


	8. Chapter 8

_I really struggled with this chapter, but I hope it's turned out okay. You really deserve a good chapter after all the wonderful support you've given me. Thank you._

 **T** **ato Potato** , thank you for your review - I'm so glad you're still enjoying it. No more news on Cal just yet, I'm afraid, but I hope you'll enjoy the chapter.

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review - I really appreciate your lovely comments. I hope you enjoy this chapter too.

 **xXSophXx** , I really wanted it to be emotional - it really is so good to know I succeeded. Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , I'm sorry if I made you cry, but I'm so happy you're enjoying it. Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review and for your very kind words. That's very true about Cal not being able to run away! I hadn't thought of that!

 **thetailoftwobrothers** , thank you for your review - I'm glad you like where I'm going with this story. Not quite so much of a cliffhanger this time!

 **LittleBritishPerson** , I needed another doctor and I do like a bit of romance! I'm so glad you liked Ethan talking to Cal. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , they were a lovely couple, but I don't think I could have saved them! I'm really happy you liked Ethan's speech to Cal. Thank you for your review.

 **ETWentHome** , thank you for reminding me about telling Dixie about Cal. I've added it to this chapter! Thank you for your review.

thank you to **mmelon3** for the follow and **doublew** for the favourite.

* * *

Connie closed the door softly behind her and turned away. It seemed wrong to intrude on such a private moment. She gave Ethan as much time as she could, only occasionally turning to look through the glass doors to see Ethan still talking and crying, his glasses discarded on the bed. The sight of it brought tears to her eyes and it was an effort to force them away and be cool and indifferent. She knew some people thought she was unfeeling, but she wasn't really. She wouldn't work here unless she cared. But she couldn't work here unless she had a coping mechanism.

"Mrs Beauchamp?"

Connie looked up to see a porter. "Have you come to take Dr Knight to surgery? Okay. I'll just let Dr Hardy know."

She went quietly into the room. Ethan was still talking. "You've got to go and have your surgery soon, but don't worry. You'll be okay and I'll be there when you wake up if they let me. You might have to stay here for a while, but you might like that. All those pretty nurses fussing round you…" Ethan laughed, only for it to turn into a sob. "Then when you come home, I'll look after you. You'll like that too. Hasn't that always been your dream? Just lying there while Nibbles runs around after you? I know I always moan when you call me that, but I'd do anything to hear you call me that right now."

He paused as though he really believed Cal might speak. There was hope on his face, but it soon faded and more tears filled his eyes.

"Ethan." Connie laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Cal has to go for his surgery now."

Ethan looked up. "Okay, Mrs Beauchamp," he whispered, and stood, wiping the tears from his face.

Connie handed him his glasses. "Say goodbye to… I mean tell Cal you'll see him later and then we'll go. Okay?"

"Okay," sniffled Ethan. He took his brother's hand again. "I'll see you later, Cal. Don't worry. You're going to be fine." He turned back to Connie, tears falling down his cheeks again.

Connie put her arm around him and as they left the room, she angled her body, shielding Ethan from the gaze of the porters as best she could. She knew Ethan wouldn't care who saw him cry now, not when he might never see his brother alive again, but she knew it would have embarrassed him terribly to cry at any other time. "Come on, Ethan. We'll go back to the staff room. And then I have something to tell you."

Ethan looked up at her, his eyes widening with fear.

"Oh, nothing bad," said Connie quickly. "I just need to tell you about what Cal did today. The lives he saved."

* * *

Max had thought it would feel strange to hold her in his arms again, but she fitted there so perfectly, almost as though she'd been designed for him – though if anything, of course, he had been designed for her.

"Sorry," gasped Zoe as she pulled away from him, wiping her eyes. "I don't know why I did that."

"Because you're upset and you want comfort from a…" Max was going to say mate, but something stopped him. "…a person who knows you. So, do you want to tell me what happened?"

She always used to tell him. Quite often in medical detail, usually full of words he couldn't begin to understand, but that didn't matter because he heard the most important thing: that Zoe was upset.

"I don't want to bother you," said Zoe. She'd stopped crying now, but that look in her eyes was still there: a look of piercing sadness that echoed in his heart.

"You're not bothering me," said Max.

Zoe sniffed and ran her hands over her face again. "Cal was in a RTC involving two elderly ladies. They were partners. The sweetest couple… no, that sounds so patronising. I only saw them together briefly. Evie was going for surgery and she and Hester wanted to say goodbye. They only said a few words, but there was so much love. It was beautiful to watch. Evie went off to surgery, but she wasn't strong. She had a leaking aneurysm. We knew – and she and Hester knew – that surgery was a risk. They knew this might be the last time they saw each other alive."

Another tear fell. Max half-lifted a hand to wipe it away, then he remembered he couldn't.

"And it was the last time." Zoe's voice was hushed, but so full of emotion. "Evie died during surgery. And now I have to go and tell Hester that the woman she loves has gone."

"No, not now!" said Max. "You can take a few minutes. I'll get you a cup of tea and a curly-wurly."

Zoe shook her head. "Thanks, Max, but I've got to do it now." She paused. "But maybe after I've talked to Hester…"

"It'll be waiting for you," promised Max.

* * *

Dixie sat beside Iain, sipping tea and trying to pretend she was okay. "So I thought I'd try again with the adoption agency soon. Maybe they had a point, you know. My life is pretty full already. Maybe working full-time and looking after a baby isn't going to work, especially in a job like this where I'm going to be putting myself in danger every day."

She probably thought she was sounding natural, Iain thought sadly. But she wasn't. Her mouth was saying the words, but her heart and mind were somewhere else. Probably still at the crash site with Cal. Or with Jeff. Wondering what she could have done differently, even though they hadn't heard anything about Cal yet and the ED might succeed where the paramedics had failed.

Her topic of choice of conversation told Iain something too. She'd refused to talk about adoption ever since she'd been rejected, only giving Iain the barest outline. Now she was talking freely, desperately, unnaturally. She was even considering giving up her job.

A lot of people in the medical profession would consider it after a day like today, but not Dixie.

"Maybe you should go home?" Iain suggested quietly, bracing himself for having his head bitten off, but afraid she didn't have the strength to do it.

"Why would I go home?" said Dixie. "I haven't got anyone to go home to yet, have I?"

 _And you might not get a baby anytime soon if you keep on like this…_

"Yeah, but…" Iain stopped. Sensitivity really wasn't one of his main strengths, as both Dixie and Rita had seen fit to inform him. "You've had a shock, Dixie. It's okay to go home early if you've had a shock."

"So, that's what you did in the army, is it?" said Dixie. "A bomb went off so you all went home?"

Iain shook his head. "No, Dixie. We didn't always have the choice. But it didn't mean it wouldn't have been the right thing to do. You've got the choice."

"So why should I go home?" said Dixie. "It had better not be because I'm a woman."

"No," said Iain. "Don't be stupid! Listen, Dix, I'm sure Ethan's not working. He's probably still here, but I bet you anything Mrs Beauchamp isn't letting him work. Ethan's not a woman, is he?"

Dixie didn't answer. She'd heard something: a call coming over the radio. She lifted her own radio, acknowledging the call.

Iain stared at her in disbelief. "Dix, you're not seriously going."

Dixie walked towards the ambulance with purposeful strides. She climbed in.

She was already revving up the engine by the time Iain scrambled in beside her. "Dixie, wait."

"Iain, there are people out there who need our help. We don't have time to wait!"

Iain's attention was caught by a figure running out of the ED. A small, red-headed nurse. She was shouting something to them; waving her arms.

"Dixie, it's Robyn," said Iain urgently. "She might have news about-"

But the ambulance had already roared out of the car park.

* * *

Ethan sat on the sofa in the staff room, Connie beside him. He'd started to shiver in his scrubs, so Connie had got Ethan's blazer from his locker. Ethan now wore it over his scrubs, but he still felt cold. He sipped at the tea Connie had made to help warm him up, but he thought he might feel cold forever.

"There were two other cars involved," began Connie quietly. "Cal had a head injury, as we know, but he didn't worry about himself. There was one man in the first car. He died at the scene, sadly, but we know Cal spent some time trying to help him. The other car contained an elderly couple, Evie and Hester."

"Evie and Hester?" said Ethan slowly. His brain was moving slowly, but he got there. "I met Hester. She brought Evie into the hospital yesterday, but she was coughing badly so I examined her and found she had pleurisy. I also discovered she had cancer, which she knew already."

Connie nodded. "Yes, It's the same couple. Cal assessed their injuries. The first car was smoking and the second car was leaking petrol. It was dangerous for him to remain at the scene, but it seems he didn't consider leaving it. When the paramedics arrived, they saw the danger. Cal kept the two ladies calm and did most of the work of getting them out of the car. He helped get them to the ambulances, but then he decided to go back to the first car. We're not sure why, but he seemed to think there might be another passenger. He had to pass the second car in order to reach the first car and as he passed it, it exploded. Cal was thrown by the explosion. That was why he got hurt, Ethan – because he'd saved two lives, done everything he could for a third person, and wasn't willing to take the chance that there was nobody else."

"He helped all those people?" said Ethan, staring at her. "When he was injured himself?" _And when he was struggling at work every day, thinking of Matilda?_

Connie nodded. "I've always had my doubts about your brother. But today, he was a hero. I wanted you to know that."

"He was always my hero," whispered Ethan, as he started to sob.


	9. Chapter 9

**Gillian Kearney Fan** , I'm sure the ED will give Ethan lots of support, but Cal isn't dead yet. I'm really sorry for the confusion. I suppose the conversation about Cal's heroism does kind of suggest that he's dead. Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review - I'm so glad you liked it. I wanted Ethan to know Cal was a hero - I'm not sure if he realised in the episode. There was so much going on! But I always try to make space for brotherly love because you can't have too much!

 **Tanith Panic** , I write so much about Cal messing up - this does make a nice change! I'm glad you like the Zoe and Max scene. They've become more important than I expected! Thank you for your review - and for reminding me about Robyn. I just made a quick edit!

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. Ethan really is struggling - he's lucky Connie is in one of her supportive moods. There's an update on Cal in this chapter!

 **ETWentHome** , I'm so glad the chapter was okay! Sometimes writing is a struggle and it becomes difficult to judge if something's okay or not. Thank you for your review - I really appreciate your support.

* * *

"Dix, slow down!" said Iain. "We don't need to go that fast."

"Iain, we're the emergency services!" snapped Dixie. The ambulance jolted as she dropped two gears, causing the car behind them to hoot. "Fine: we'll get there late, shall we? Because good as we are with living people, we're just brilliant with dead people!"

Iain winced. "Dix. Listen to yourself."

"Well, it's better than listening to you!" said Dixie. She took a corner in fourth gear and sped onto a roundabout, cutting in front of a car waiting to her right. She saw the horrified look on Iain's face and stamped harder on the accelerator. "We're an ambulance, Iain! We're allowed!"

"Of course we are, but you need to calm down, mate!" said Iain.

Dixie screeched to a halt and almost hit a car parked just ahead of her. She jumped out of the ambulance and ran towards a group of mangled cars.

Iain arrived beside her. "Dix, maybe you should take a back seat on this one?"

"Why?" said Dixie. "Are you scared I'll kill someone else?"

"Dixie, you haven't killed anyone," said Iain.

"I've probably killed Cal!" retorted Dixie , and ran to the nearest car, wrenching the door open. "Hi, my name's Dixie. I'm a paramedic."

She looked into the face of the driver. An elderly lady with grey hair. She wasn't Hester; she didn't really look like Hester, but Dixie was afraid.

"What's your name, love?" she asked.

"Hester."

 _Oh no. Oh God, no._

"Hi, Hester," said Dixie shakily.

"My name's Heather!"

"Heather, sorry. Is it just you in the car?" Dixie asked fearfully, even as her eyes went to the back seat, expecting to see a second elderly woman lying there.

"No, I've got Evie in the back seat."

"Evie…" Dixie repeated as her gaze met that of a small boy.

"No, Stevie!" said Heather impatiently. "Are you deaf, woman?"

"Sorry," said Dixie. "It is quite noisy here. So, do you have any pain at all?"

Heather glared at her. "No, I don't. I often sit still in a car just for the fun of it. I think I've broken my leg and my seatbelt's stuck."

Dixie closed her eyes.

"Are you all right?" Heather sounded annoyed. "Are you going to get us out or what? This car could be about to blow up for all we know."

"Yeah. Fine," said Dixie. "I'll just have a word with Stevie." She realised she was shaking as she moved towards the back door and breathed deeply a couple of times, under pretence of scanning the scene.

Iain was right. She shouldn't have come here. It was too soon.

But it was too late to turn back now. She had to try to do her job.

* * *

Ethan dried his eyes and put his glasses back on. Without looking at Connie, he said: "I'm sorry, Mrs Beauchamp."

Connie stroked his arm. "He's your brother, Ethan. It's okay to be upset."

"But I'm not the only person who's affected by this," said Ethan. "We all know Cal."

"But we're not his brother," said Connie.

Ethan felt guilty for being surprised by Connie's supportiveness. He'd seen her being kind to patients and relatives, but not so much to doctors.

 _Though maybe that's it… I'm not a doctor now. I'm a relative._

He didn't want to be a relative: just sitting and waiting for bad news, each minute an eternity. "Maybe I should go back to work now, Mrs Beauchamp?"

"No," said Connie decisively.

It was the kind of 'no' that was usually more than enough for Ethan. "I do feel a bit better now…"

Connie was unmoved. "I'm glad to hear it, Dr Hardy, but you will not be treating any more patients today."

"Right. No. Of course not." She was right really. Ethan didn't feel in any condition to work. But he was sure it would be easier than waiting and not knowing and feeling more scared than he'd ever been.

Connie's voice softened. "Ethan, I'm afraid I do have to get back to work, myself. I'm sorry, but with you and Cal out of action, we are short of doctors. Are you sure there's no-one we can call?"

Ethan shook his head. His whole life was at the hospital.

"Then I'll find someone to sit with you."

"I don't want to take anyone else away from their job," said Ethan anxiously.

"Ethan, supporting you and Cal _is_ our job."

* * *

"It's all… over now," said Hester, gazing sadly at her ring.

"No. You mustn't say that," said Zoe. "I know you can't imagine your life without her. I know you don't _want_ to imagine it. But you have so much strength and courage. You'll always remember her. In a sense, she'll always be alive." She stopped. "I'm sorry. I know that sounds awful."

"No," said Hester. "You… only meant… to be kind."

Zoe nodded. She did want to be kind. But she knew that all Hester wanted at that moment was to be with Evie.

"Are you… married?" asked Hester.

"I…" Zoe hesitated. "I honestly don't know."

"Please… tell me."

Zoe would usually have refused. Her private life was no concern of any patient's. But right now, she would give Hester anything; indulge even the smallest spark of interest in her sad eyes. "We had the ceremony, but there was something I hadn't told him. Something terrible. When I did tell him, he didn't want to be with me anymore."

"And you… blame yourself?" said Hester.

"I'm the one who's to blame," said Zoe. "I cheated on him on my hen night." She shook her head sadly. "I don't know what I was thinking. I was scared of the future, sure. But I don't know how I could have thrown it all away."

"Do you still… see him now?" asked Hester.

Zoe nodded. "Every day at work. He was the porter who came to the door with me."

Hester smiled. It was a small and tired smile, but Zoe felt the warmth behind it. "The porter… Dr Hanna… who is still… standing at the door."

Startled, Zoe spun round. He had his back to the room, but she knew it was him. Waiting. For her.

"Don't… waste time," said Hester. "Every minute… with the one you love… is precious. You never know… when it might be… taken away… from you."

"I know," said Zoe sadly. "And I was the one who took it away."

"No, Dr Hanna," said Hester. "You made… a mistake. But he… is still there. Don't make… the same mistake. Be honest about… your fears. You can share… everything… with the person… you love. Marriage is… a big commitment. It is all right… to be scared. Share your fears… as you share… your happiness. And don't… let him go."

* * *

Cal tried to run, but he couldn't move. Something was holding on to his arm and his head was hurting, not just on his forehead but around the back too.

But he couldn't let that worry him. He had to move. He had to get to Katya before the car blew up.

He tried to get closer to her, but something was wrong. He seemed to be getting further away. He could hear voices now, but the voices were wrong. Dixie had been calling his name, but now she wasn't. He heard the bleep of monitors around him. He realised that he was lying not on the ground but on something soft.

"No!" he cried out. He couldn't be in the hospital. He needed to be with Katya. He had to help her.

A hand touched his and a soothing voice spoke. "It's okay, Cal. It's okay. You're safe. Can you open your eyes for me?"

"Katya?" he said, but he already knew he was wrong. The voice was wrong.

"No, it's Robyn," said the gentle voice, and that made him feel helplessly angry. He didn't want her to be Robyn. She had to be Katya!

If she wasn't Katya, where _was_ Katya?

He searched his memory, but although he remembered running towards the car, there was nothing after that.

He realised he was making small whimpering sounds of distress. Robyn was trying to soothe him as she stroked his arm. "It's okay, Cal. You're safe now. You're in hospital and you're going to be fine."

"But what about Katya?" said Cal, as he opened his eyes. He spoke roughly. "Where is she?"

"Um, I'm sorry, Cal, but I don't think I know Katya," said Robyn apologetically.

Another voice came: Lofty's voice. "There were two elderly ladies who came in with you, Cal. Is one of them Katya?"

"No, Katya's young," said Cal desperately. "Katya's beautiful. I was going to save her."

She saw Robyn and Lofty exchange a glance.

"Why don't you tell us what you know about Katya, and then I can find out for you?" said Lofty. "Do you know her surname?"

"I can't pronounce it," said Cal, tears misting his vision. "I got her away from him. We were happy." His tears began to fall. "But then she was gone and I chased him and we crashed. He died, but I couldn't see her. I thought maybe she wasn't there. But then I thought… the boot. She might be in the boot. I ran towards it and…"

"And…" said Robyn gently.

Cal gave a shuddering sob. "And then I woke up here and I can't remember. I don't know if I got to her. I don't know if she's safe."

Robyn hesitated. "I suppose the person to ask would be Dixie - she would know if anyone had gone to St James'. But she's gone out on another call. I went to give her an update on your condition, but they were already driving off."

Lofty patted his arm, careful not to disturb the IV line. "I'll go and see if I can find out for you, Cal. I'm sorry, but I might be a little while. The surgeon will want to check you over so I'll have to go and find him first. Oh, and I'll get Ethan too. He wanted to be here when you woke up, but you were too quick for us. He'll be so glad you're okay. He was very worried."

He left the room. It seemed to Cal as though he was desperate to leave.

Cal closed his eyes, feeling the tears tumbling down his face. "If anything's happened to her, Robyn… if I didn't get to her in time…"


	10. Chapter 10

**Tato Potato** , thank you for your review - I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. I'm afraid there might be more problems ahead for Cal, but I won't be killing him just yet.

 **totti10** , ha ha, I misread things a lot, which has resulted in some very strange images in my head! Thank you for both your reviews. They made me feel so happy. I'm glad you like the way I've written the emotions. It seemed a shame to waste a good character like Hester, so I thought, in the absence of Cal, Zoe might benefit from her advice.

 **Thetailoftwobrothers** , sorry about all the suspense! I have to keep it interesting somehow! Thank you for your review - I'm really pleased you're enjoying it and I'm glad I've managed to put some suspense in.

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review - I'm so glad you enjoyed the chapter. I couldn't kill Cal just yet! You'll find out about Katya probably in the chapter after this one.

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. I might have saved Cal's life (at least for now), but there probably are one or two shocks coming his way. Not least how much Ethan cares!

 **ETWentHome** , you're right about Dixie - if Iain doesn't talk some sense into her, maybe you should have a try! It is going to be difficult for Cal. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I wasn't going to write this much about Zoe and Max, but I think it's probably good to have a slightly more positive storyline. I'm glad you like Cal's confusion.

* * *

Connie paused outside Hester's room. She looked at the woman, lying so still in front of her, and knew at once what had happened. She felt tears rising in her eyes but blinked them away. She was the clinical lead. She needed to be strong.

After all his heroics and courage, Cal hadn't managed to save anyone in the end.

Connie looked over at Zoe, who was recording the time of death. She looked distraught. Connie knew how much Zoe often came to care about her patients, but it wasn't like her to show it.

Another reason for Connie to stay in control.

"Zoe," said Connie quietly as she entered the room.

"She died," said Zoe sadly.

"Were her injuries more serious than we realised?" said Connie sympathetically.

Zoe shook her head numbly. "Not as far as I can make out. I can't find any explanation for it. I told her about Evie and she said there was nothing more for her to live for. We talked for a while and then she just slipped away." Zoe's voice caught.

Connie gripped her arm. "Evie? Is that the partner? Are you saying she didn't survive either?"

Her voice came out roughly, almost angrily. Zoe seemed shocked. "No. She didn't survive surgery. It was always a risk, but it seemed like her only hope."

Connie's fist came down on the equipment trolley which surprised both of them. A few items fell to the floor. Connie didn't care.

"Connie, what it is?" Zoe looked almost frightened.

"It's Cal," sighed Connie.

Zoe's eyes filled with tears. "You mean Cal…"

"There's been no news about Cal since he went for surgery," said Connie. "On the positive side, he is young and healthy. But if he does survive and if he's still in a condition to understand what he did…" Her voice trailed away, then she continued softly. "He risked so much for them, Zoe. And we'll have to tell him it came to nothing in the end."

* * *

Zoe stood outside the door for a moment, looking at Max. He didn't see her. He sat on the sofa, staring at three items on a table on front of him.

Two mugs of tea and a curly-wurly.

Relief flowed through Zoe. If there were two mugs, he meant to stay with her and she was grateful for that because she didn't think she could cope without him.

Tentatively, she pushed open the door. Max got up at once and came to meet her. He looked at her for a moment, frowning, his head slightly on one side as he searched her face.

"Come here," said Max.

Another time, Zoe might have argued. She longed to be held in Max's arms again, but she knew that giving in to his request would lead to more pain.

Now, she needed him too much to say no.

"We lost them both, Max," Zoe said shakily into his shoulder.

"Oh, Zoe." Max rubbed her back in circles. "I'm sorry."

"They were such a lovely couple," said Zoe, with tears in her eyes. "It can't have been easy for them. The world wasn't always this accepting. But it was like nothing mattered for them except the fact they were in love."

"Maybe that was just more important than anything else," said Max.

Zoe nodded. She stayed in Max's embrace for a moment, then she stepped back. "Sorry."

"It's okay." Max waved her apology away. "Come on: sit down, eat your curly-wurly and we can talk as much as you want."

She sat down. He hesitated, then sat beside her, a good three inches away from her.

But at least he was there.

"It… it makes me think about what's important too," said Zoe hesitantly.

"Yeah, it's natural," said Max, nodding. "But maybe this isn't a good time to make any decisions, Zoe. You're emotional. Wait till you're calm enough to know what's really important."

He said the words kindly, but Zoe felt their sting.

* * *

Ethan didn't really know the nurse who'd been sent to sit with him, but that suited him well. He sat quietly, still deeply upset but too shy to let his emotions take hold. The nurse had offered a few platitudes but seemed to sense Ethan had no wish to talk.

They'd been silent for some time when Connie entered the room.

She wasted no time. "Ethan, Cal's awake. He's confused and there's a small amount of memory loss – possibly only a few seconds – but otherwise he seems fine."

Ethan forgot all about the nurse and started crying. "Oh, goodness," he said as he tried to stop the tears. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," said Connie gently, sitting beside him. She jerked her head at the nurse, who left the room.

"Can I see him?" said Ethan, when he'd gained some semblance of control.

"Of course you can," said Connie. "But first there's something I need to tell you."

Ethan felt dizzy. "What is it?"

"Nothing about Cal," said Connie quickly. "He's under observation, of course, but early signs are positive. It's just… we haven't told Cal yet, but the two women he saved… we've lost them both."

Ethan gave a tiny gasp. "Both of them? What happened?"

Connie looked outwardly calm, but Ethan sensed from her voice that she was sad too. "Evie died in surgery. It was always a risk. Hester… well, we're really not sure that happened there. Zoe said there was some concern about her breathing but nothing significant. It seemed like she'd just decided she didn't want to live without Evie."

"Poor Hester." Ethan looked away, trying to process it.

"Love can be a powerful emotion," said Connie. She paused. "As I think you're finding out."

Ethan could only agree. "Would you like me to tell Cal? I'm happy to."

"Only if you're sure," said Connie.

* * *

Dixie drove back to the hospital on auto-pilot. She helped to wheel Heather into Resus and reported on her condition in a calm voice that didn't seem to come from her.

Afterwards, she sat down with Iain and told him he was right.

"I am?" said Iain. "Are you sure about that?" He slapped his forehead. "Oh, don't tell me. It's April Fools' Day, isn't it."

"No, I mean you were right to tell me I should go home," said Dixie.

Iain couldn't hide his relief, but he had enough sense not to say 'I told you so'. "I suppose even I'm bound to get it right sometimes. But you did well out there, Dix. It must have been hard, but you kept your professionalism. If I'm not crossing the line by saying this, I think Jeff would have been proud."

"No way: Jeff would have been too annoyed with me for going out there to feel proud!" said Dixie, but she was smiling.

Iain smiled too. "So, you going home then?"

"You're in a hurry to get rid of me, aren't you?" said Dixie.

Iain shook his head. "I just want you fighting fit so you can keep me on the straight and narrow."

"Okay, I believe you," said Dixie sarcastically, but then she was serious. "I won't go out on any more calls unless there's really no-one else. But I don't want to leave till I know Cal is okay."

"Okay," said Iain, but he wasn't looking at Dixie anymore. He was looking over her shoulder.

There was a knock on the door. Dixie turned.

Standing at the door were two policemen.


	11. Chapter 11

**20BlueRoses** , don't worry about missing chapters - it is difficult with daily updates. I'm just really happy you're enjoying it. You'll find out more about the police in this chapter and there just might be a Cal and Ethan scene. Thank you for your review.

 **ETWentHome** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you like Max and Zoe - I had to cut them out of this chapter for length reasons, but they'll be back. I thought it was about time Dixie saw sense!

 **totti10** , Zoe can be quite impulsive about jumping into things (like other men's beds!), but Max isn't and I feel if something happens, it has to be at his pace. I'm glad you like Connie - I've enjoyed writing her being nice! Thank you for your review.

 **Thetailoftwobrothers** , thank you for your review. it's really lovely to know that you're making an exception to your rule of not reading about injured Cal. I'm so glad you're enjoying it and I hope it didn't distract you from school too much!

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review. I'm so glad you're enjoying it. There's actually a lot more going on than I was expecting! It's funny how stories can grow sometimes.

 **LittleBritishPerson** , you'll have to read on and see who the police are after! I'm sure Ethan will do his best to break the news gently, but he's quite upset, himself. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I didn't want to injure Cal too much as I've already given him a serious head injury in Losing You. But there might be the odd problem, here and there... I thought one out of Zoe and Max needed to be sensible! Thank you for your review.

* * *

Dixie stood up and smoothed her uniform, trying to control a most unusual shaking in her knees. She could think of only one reason why the police would be here. They were investigating Cal's death. They wanted to know why it had taken her so long to treat him. Either that or why she'd let him approach a car that was about to explode.

"What can we do for you?" Iain was saying in a friendly tone and Dixie knew it was to distract the police from her. "Sit down. I'm Iain Dean and this is Kathleen Dixon, known as Dixie."

"Ah: good!" said the policeman. "Then we've got the right people."

Dixie felt herself tense as his words. She looked at the door, wanting to escape. She knew that if another call came through, she would go, regardless of her promise to Iain. She would do anything to get out of here.

"Now, I understand you attended the incident in which Dr Caleb Knight was injured," said the policeman, and they both nodded. "Did you see the accident occur?"

"No: we came in response to a call about the accident," said Iain.

The policeman nodded. "Do you know Dr Knight well?"

"Quite well," said Iain. "We're based at the same hospital. We socialise sometimes. When we need a doctor on site, it's Cal more often than any other doctor."

"Would you say that Dr Knight is reckless at all?"

Despite her concerns, Dixie felt a flash of amusement at the look on Iain's face. He didn't want to drop his mate in it, but nobody could say Cal wasn't reckless.

Then she realised Iain was silently asking for help. "Dr Knight is a dedicated and very professional doctor," said Dixie, her voice calmer than she felt. "Maybe you could describe him as being slightly reckless, but I would prefer to say he's a bit braver than most people."

"I see," said the policeman, and nodded to his colleague, who made a note. "Was Dr Knight acquainted with any of the other people involved in the accident?"

Dixie opened her mouth to say there was no reason to assume they would be, but then she stopped. "He might have known the two elderly ladies. He knew that one of them had an aneurysm, but that's more likely to be because the other woman told him."

"What about the occupants of the other car?" said the policeman.

"There was only one occupant of the other car," said Dixie. "He was dead by the time we arrived."

"But we understand Dr Knight was on his way back to one of the cars when he was injured."

Dixie's mouth opened slightly. She couldn't believe she hadn't realised this. "I suppose he must have been. He didn't say why, but I didn't really think about it. We just wanted him to get out of there." _And I was in too much of a state to think about anything._ "But…" She thought for a moment. "No, I don't think he'd have risked his life like that unless there was another person in danger."

Iain was nodding. "No, he wouldn't have done. But it was pretty obvious there was no-one else in the two ladies' car. Not unless they were in the boot or something."

The policeman's gaze swung round to Iain. "Why would you think there was somebody in the boot, sir?"

"Well… I was just trying to think where an extra person might be," said Iain. "But I can't see those nice old ladies stashing somebody in the boot. As for the other guy, I didn't see him, but he did have a bigger car."

"There was someone else," someone said heavily, and Dixie looked up to see Lofty.

"And who might you be, sir?" enquired the policeman.

"I'm Lofty. Nurse Ben Chiltern," said Lofty. His face was pale. "I didn't mean to listen, but Cal was very concerned about a girl called Katya who was in the accident. I was going to ask Dixie and Iain if they knew anything. But when I heard you talking about someone in the boot…"

The policeman chose not to comment on Lofty's eavesdropping. "So, Dr Knight is awake and talking?"

"Yeah, but he's not really up to visitors," said Lofty quickly. "We're going to let his brother in to see him, but probably no-one else yet. Maybe you could try again tomorrow?"

The policeman was talking again, but Dixie barely heard. She was staring at Lofty, almost too scared to ask him. "Do you mean… do you mean Cal's…"

Lofty seemed to understand. "Yeah, Cal's alive. We're keeping him under observation, but the signs are good. Sorry, Dixie: did no-one tell you? Robyn did try to tell you before, but you were already driving off. I didn't realise you still didn't know."

* * *

Ethan and Connie were standing by the lift when a voice called Ethan's name. Lofty was running towards them, his hair swinging from side to side in a way that would have been comical – were it not for the worried look on his face.

"Lofty, what is it?" Connie didn't look pleased about the interruption.

"I just spoke to Dixie and Iain," said the nurse, panting slightly. "And, um, the police were there too."

"Do you know why?" asked Ethan, a sinking feeling in his heart. He couldn't help worrying the police would want to know what had caused Cal to crash the car. Ethan didn't know for sure, but there didn't seem to be much chance that Cal was sober last night.

"Not exactly," admitted Lofty. "But Cal asked me to find out if there was a fifth person involved in the accident. And there was."

"What fifth person?" said Ethan blankly.

"A girl called Katya," said Lofty. "Cal said he was going to rescue her, but he couldn't remember if he had or not. That's why he got caught up in the explosion – because he thought she might be in the other car. He really seemed to care about her." Lofty's face filled with sadness. "But then the explosion happened – and Cal didn't get there. The car Katya was in exploded shortly after that."

* * *

Cal heard footsteps and looked up eagerly, his eyes going towards the door. A moment later, Ethan appeared with Connie at his side. She touched his arm lightly, said a few words and then moved away. Cal waited as his brother slowly turned towards him. "Ethan!"

Then his smile faded. Ethan's face was blotchy, his nose red and his eyes swollen. Even now, they were full of tears.

"Ethan?" said Cal.

"Cal," replied Ethan, and almost ran into the room, his arms outstretched.

Then he skidded to a halt, his arms dropping to his sides.

"Ethan, I'm okay," said Cal, watching in misery as the tears spilled down Ethan's cheeks. "Don't cry." To his shame, he realised he hadn't really thought about whether Ethan would be upset. He'd asked for Ethan because he was scared and confused and he wanted his little brother to look after him.

But he was Ethan's brother, just as much as Ethan was his, and he hated to think of how worried Ethan must have been.

"I'm sorry. I'm being selfish." Ethan took off his glasses and sat beside Cal, wiping his eyes on a tissue. "How are you?"

"Worried about you," said Cal.

"There's no need." Ethan sniffed. "I'm sorry. I should be supporting you."

"You are," said Cal. "It's okay, Nibbles. I'm fine."

He wasn't, but he couldn't bear the thought of seeing Ethan even more upset.

Ethan looked at him for a moment. His eyes flooded again and his face quivered. It took him a couple of attempts to speak and when he did, Cal could barely hear him. "Cal, I… I'm so sorry."

"What for?" said Cal. "It's not like I never cry. It's more like I never stop at the moment."

"No, I mean…" Ethan gently took Cal's hand in his. "Evie and Hester… they didn't make it. They were both… very unwell. Evie died in surgery. We think Hester just didn't want to live without her. I'm really sorry, Cal. "

Cal closed his eyes. "It's my fault… I was the one who told her she should have surgery. She didn't want it…"

"No, it's not your fault," said Ethan fiercely.

"And if they'd stayed yesterday, they wouldn't have been in the crash today…"

"I don't think anyone could have persuaded them to stay," said Ethan. "I couldn't persuade Hester. Mrs Beauchamp phoned Evie yesterday to try to persuade them to change their minds, but they didn't listen to her either." Ethan gave a teary laugh. "And that should tell you something about them!" Then all traces of laughter vanished from his face. "But Cal… there's something else I have to tell you…"

Cal tensed up. There was more. There was more bad news. A thought came into his mind, but he tried his hardest to block it out. Ethan couldn't mean Katya. It was too soon for him to know anything about her.

"There was someone else in the accident too," said Ethan. His eyes were dry now, but full of sadness.

Cal's lips framed her name, but no sound came out.

Ethan nodded. "It would have been really quick. She wouldn't have felt a thing. But I'm so sorry."

Cal was shaking now. So hard, that Ethan was shaking too. So was the bed. "No, Ethan!" he screamed, putting his fingers to his ears. "Don't tell me that! I don't want to know that!"

Ethan gently took Cal's hands from his ears. "I really am so sorry. I know you thought... I mean I know you cared about her."

"But I could have saved her!" cried Cal. Grief hit him in a wave and the tears poured down his cheeks. "I could have saved her, Ethan. But I was too slow. Or too fast. I don't even know! If I was quicker, I could have got her out before the explosion. If I was slower, I could have got to her after the explosion and I wouldn't have been knocked out. But I got it wrong and… oh, Ethan! She was going to make me better. And I was going to make her better. She was in such a bad place and I was going to help her get out. Look after her. Make everything all right. Finally, I was going to do something good with my life!" He gave a shuddering sob. "Ethan, that night I spent with her… apart from when Matilda was here, I hadn't felt like that for months. I finally felt like I was going to get through all this. I was so happy, Ethan. She made me happy. And I thought… I thought…"

Ethan let go of Cal's hand, putting both hands on his shoulders instead. "I know there's nothing I can do, Cal. I know I can't make it better this time. I wish I could. I nearly lost you today and that just made me realise… if anything had happened to you…"

Ethan's voice broke and Cal lowered his head, not wanting to see that he was making his brother cry.

"No, Cal, look at me." Ethan's voice was firm even as it trembled.

Cal lifted his head and Ethan's teary eyes met his.

"You're not alone," said Ethan shakily.

He pulled Cal into his arms and held on tight.


	12. Chapter 12

**Tato Potato** , don't worry - I often read something once, then reread and review it later and sometimes I do forget. I'm glad you like Cal and Ethan trying to protect each other - I think they do that a lot, in their own ways. I've never explored Iain and Dixie's relationship before - I'm surprised by how much I'm enjoying it. Thank you for your review.

 **LittleBritishPerson** , I have planned one more chapter as there are still some loose ends, but I might end up splitting it into two. Cal is mostly okay physically, but you're right about his emotional state. Thank you for your review - I'm so glad you like this story.

 **Thetailoftwobrothers** , you don't have to say anything else because everything you did say was really amazing! I'm so happy you like it. Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , that happens for me with Ethan too! Every time I see him, I like him a little bit more. He might even be taking over as my favourite brother, but don't tell Cal! Thank you for your review - I'm so happy you're enjoying it.

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review - the last bit was probably my favourite part to write (though probably the most difficult!), so I'm really glad you liked it!

 **ETWentHome** , thank you for your review. Cal really does need Ethan at the moment, so I have no plans to separate them, probably for the rest of the story! I just hope it won't get boring.

 **20BlueRoses** , even though Cal's suffered the most, I wanted to show that he cares about Ethan too. The conversation was difficult as I couldn't get iPlayer or YouTube to work so I was relying on memory, but I'm glad I got enough right for you to recognise it. Thank you for your review.

* * *

"I don't need to think about what's important," said Zoe. "I already know."

Max waited. He ran a nervous hand over his face, but his eyes didn't leave Zoe.

" _You're_ important to me, Max," said Zoe, her voice trembling a little. "I know I can't be important to you. Not after what I did. But I love you and I've changed and I would do anything to prove that to you."

"I love you too, Zoe," said Max.

Zoe gasped and held out her arms, but he sat still, his face serious. "Max?" she said, a bit uncertainly.

"But it's not enough," said Max.

"But why?" said Zoe, tears starting in her eyes. "You love me… I love you… what else does there need to be?"

"Trust," said Max simply. "And I don't trust you, Zoe. I believe you love me. I even believe your intentions are good. But you hurt me and I can't just take you back like nothing's happened." He stood up, his half-full mug in his hand. "I'm sorry, Zoe. Friends is all I can do. Friends might be all I can ever do."

Zoe's tears began to fall.

Why had she said it? Why had she said the L word? What had she been expecting?

"Maybe I don't want to be your friend!" she burst out.

She saw Max recoil. He stood staring at her, his head and shoulders thrown back unnaturally far. His mouth was open in a soundless gasp of shock and Zoe knew that, again, she'd let her fears take hold and made a big mistake.

For a long time, neither of them moved. Then Max's body gradually relaxed into a more normal position. The emotion faded from his face. He stood looking down at her with a coldness her heart told her wasn't real – but Zoe often did ignore what her heart was telling her.

"That's your choice, Zoe," said Max, and left her.

* * *

Connie walked into her office and closed the door behind her. It had been one of the worst days in the department since she'd been working here. It wasn't one of the busiest, but it was always worse when the patient was someone you knew. More than that: someone you (mostly) respected and liked and didn't want to lose.

She didn't want to think about how close they'd come to losing Cal.

It had been especially difficult seeing Ethan's reaction. He was always so calm; so together. 'Unflappable', he called it, and Connie thought that was a good way of describing him as long as he wasn't required to make a speech. But when he'd been forced to face the prospect of losing Cal, he'd completely fallen apart – even more than Cal had when their positions were reversed. He'd become a frightened, sobbing little boy, and Connie, far from feeling the scorn she might have expected from herself, had only wanted to comfort him.

Ethan had fallen apart again when Lofty had told him about Cal's girlfriend. Connie could only hope he was strong enough to support his brother. She'd told him the whole department would be behind him and Ethan had seemed grateful, but she knew most of the work would come from Ethan. That was nothing new: Ethan always had spent a lot of time looking out for his brother.

But this was different. Connie didn't envy Ethan his job of telling Cal that all three of the people he'd tried to save had died. She'd offered to do it for him and she would have done it if necessary, but she admitted to herself now that she wouldn't have known where to begin.

Both the brothers were brave, she realised. Infuriating at times, like all doctors, but Connie would never doubt their courage again.

Connie realised her eyes were stinging; her breath quickening. She tried not to feel annoyed with herself. She'd had a difficult day. If she was allowed to be anything less than unflappable anywhere, it was in the privacy of her own office.

Then a pair of hands touched her shoulders. "Hey, Sweet-Cheeks. Come here."

Connie pulled away from him and turned to face him. "How did you get in here?"

"Through the door?" said Jacob. "That's how most people get in here."

He reached for her again. Connie took a step back. "Jacob, you have no right. I let you into my life; I let you into my bed. But that does not mean I let you into my office whenever you feel like it."

"Okay," said Jacob. "You're the boss." He held out his arms again. "But now I'm here…"

"No!" Connie held up her hand. If she let him hold her, she really would cry and she did not want Jacob to see that side of her. He had seen it once before – the day they'd nearly lost Charlie, Zoe and Dylan – but that really was a one-off. She'd been directly involved in Charlie's treatment. All she'd done for Cal was support his brother.

"Connie, come on," said Jacob. "This is me, remember? And what's said in this room stays in this room." He smiled widely. "Unless, of course, you choose to shout it out in Resus."

* * *

Iain sat down beside Dixie. "Are you going home then?"

"Not sure: why?" said Dixie, as though Iain's words were no more than a casual question.

Iain sighed. "Dixie, you promised. As soon as you knew Cal was okay, you were going home."

"We don't know he's okay," said Dixie, playing for time. "All we know is that he's alive."

"Alive and likely to stay alive!" said Iain. "Sure, he's got a couple of injuries. We know that. The guy was thrown off his feet by an explosion! But he's going to be okay."

"But if he did know the girl was in the boot, he's obviously going to be upset she didn't make it," said Dixie.

Iain leaned closer, trying to see into her eyes. "Dixie, what's this all about? I mean, I know you care about Cal. He's a mate and yeah, he's going to be upset and we're going to support him all we can. But right now, there's nothing you can do for him by staying here."

Dixie said nothing. She stared straight ahead of her.

She felt Iain punch her arm lightly. "Come on, Dix. What's up?"

"Nothing," said Dixie.

"Hey, this is me you're talking to!" said Iain. He leaned back and folded his arms. His expression became serious. "I know I'm not Jeff. I'll never be Jeff and I know you don't want me to be. But you can't keep all this inside your head. You've got to talk to someone. If you don't want it to be me, that's fine." He paused and his voice softened. "But if you do want to tell me, you can, okay?"

"Thanks, mate," said Dixie. And she meant it.

Iain nodded. He looked at her hopefully and Dixie returned his gaze, but she said nothing.

She didn't want to tell Iain.

It was all so stupid.

* * *

Ethan gently eased Cal back onto the pillows. "Is that okay? I can prop you up a little bit more if you like." He was feeling guilty now. "I'm really sorry I hurt you. I suppose I just forgot about your back."

"It's okay," whispered Cal. "Not your fault. And it was nice."

"Nice?" said Ethan, as he found Cal a tissue.

Cal wiped his nose. "Nice to get a hug. I've been needing one." His eyes filled again.

Guilt squeezed Ethan's chest. "I know. I'm sorry. I'll try to do it more often." He fiddled nervously with his glasses: taking him off, putting them on again and changing their position, even though no alteration was needed. "I'm not… very good at that. But I'll try."

"I know you will, Nibbles." Cal dried his eyes and the brothers sat in silence for a while, but then Cal started to cry again.

His tears were silent this time. They rolled down his cheeks and dropped onto his hospital gown. At first, his face was still, but then his face twisted with anguish, his eyes screwed up and his mouth quivering. He lifted his chin and his mouth opened as though he was going to scream, but still no sound came out. Ethan could see the tension in his face and neck, but then, quite suddenly, his head fell forward onto his chest as more tears fell.

Ethan moved onto the edge of the bed and put his arm carefully across Cal's shoulders. He hesitated over what to do with his other arm – whether to put it around Cal's waist or take one of his hands in his or perhaps wipe some of his tears away – and cursed himself for being so useless and unaffectionate, particularly now when his brother needed him.

The decision was made for him when Cal pushed his hand along the bed, closer to Ethan's. Ethan took it in his at once, stroking his thumb over the back of his hand until Cal's tears finally stopped.

Cal wiped his face, then put his arms around Ethan's waist. "Nibbles… Ethan," he whispered, still brokenly. "I'm glad you're here."

"There isn't anywhere else I want to be," said Ethan firmly.

He waited, dreading to hear what Cal would come up with as an example of a place Ethan might prefer to be - which probably wouldn't be anywhere Ethan wanted to be at all. As long as the example made Ethan blush, Cal would be happy.

Then Ethan decided Cal could be as crass as he liked as far as he was concerned because he was alive and he was Ethan's brother and he could say anything he wanted.

But Cal said nothing and Ethan wasn't really surprised. Apparently, you could find love, hope and purpose just in one night, but you could lose them in a second and take a lifetime trying to find them again.


	13. Chapter 13

_Sorry if the bit with the police is unrealistic. I've never been questioned by the police before. I hope everyone is still enjoying this._

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. There is a little bit more to come: I think it will end up with 14 chapters. This chapter ends with the boys too, so I hope you like it.

 **Tanith Panic** , I can't be going too badly wrong if I'm being compared to Shakespeare! Thank you very much! Maybe Ethan's kindness will help Cal to stop torturing herself. Yes, Zoe was stupid, as someone might be about to tell her! Thank you for both your reviews.

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. Even though I wanted them to hug, I wanted Ethan still to be Ethan and I didn't think he'd suddenly find hugs easy just because he'd done it once. I'm really happy you liked that part.

 **totti10** , I'd forgotten about Dixie's friendship with Rita - thank you for reminding me! I'm afraid Cal and Ethan do a lot of crying in my stories, but I don't think there are any actual tears in this chapter. Thank you for your review - very proud to be your me-time!

* * *

Ethan looked at Connie in horror. "He can't. I'm sorry, Mrs Beauchamp, but he can't. He's still very upset."

Connie considered being annoyed by Ethan's uncharacteristic outburst, but she found her feelings tended more towards admiration. "Ethan, believe me, I do sympathise, but the police have a job to do."

"What can they want with Cal anyway?" said Ethan angrily. "There was an accident. Four people died. That's what happens sometimes in accidents!"

"Of course it does," said Connie soothingly. "I'm sure they're not suggesting that Cal was in any way responsible for their deaths. On the contrary, two of them reached the hospital alive because of his efforts."

Ethan ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "Couldn't they just wait a few more days?"

Connie touched his arm gently. She could have shouted back at him, but she knew the difference between a stroppy colleague and a concerned brother. "Ethan, if I thought that Cal was likely to be feeling much better in a day or two, you know I'd consider it, but you know as well as I do, it's going to take him longer than that. The police can't wait around forever."

* * *

Iain watched Dixie closely as he went through various people in his head. Dixie and Rita had been close at one time – much closer than he'd thought, except in his wildest fantasies – but although they had got on well, they had drifted apart of late. Rita had been given two quick promotions and consequently a heavier workload; Dixie had had her own problems to work through.

The fact that Rita was now Iain's girlfriend complicated matters further. Iain didn't want Dixie to get paranoid that they were discussing her behind her back. She had been mentioned once or twice, but their conversations were generally restricted to panting one another's name and God's name over and over again.

There wasn't really anyone else. Cal was good to have a drink with, but even if he wasn't lying in a hospital bed, he wasn't really the sort of person for deep, meaningful conversations. Robyn was very kind and always willing to listen but wasn't close to Dixie.

So that just left Iain – and Iain, for once, was willing to have the serious conversation and give all the advice and support Dixie might want (whether he'd actually be any good at it was open to question, but he would try his best).

"Dixie," said Iain softly. "Why can't you tell me?"

"Because it's stupid!" said Dixie, in annoyed voice that didn't conceal the sadness in her eyes.

"Dix, after what you've been through today, nothing you could be feeling is stupid," said Iain. He put his hand on her arm. "And I'm here, mate, and you can trust me."

Dixie looked at him stubbornly for a moment, but then the fight seemed to go out of her and she sighed. "Okay."

Iain waited.

"I don't want to go home," said Dixie.

Iain was about to tell her that he already knew that, but he realised just in time that a more sensitive approach might be needed. "Okay, Dix. I get that. Can you tell me why you don't want to go home?"

"It's just… when I get home… when I'm on my own… I'm going to think about it," said Dixie. "And I don't want to, Iain. Not yet. I know sooner or later I've got to face it. I've got a problem. It's a problem that's likely to come up again and again because we've got a very accident-prone lot in that hospital. If they're not crashing their cars, they're throwing themselves into rivers, setting houseboats on fire or God knows what it'll be next."

Iain hid a smile. He had to admit that for people who were experts in health, the doctors of Holby City ED weren't particularly well-known for paying due care and attention outside the workplace.

"So I need to work through it and deal with it," said Dixie. "I know that. If I want to do this job – and I do – I have to work through this." Some of the determination faded from her face and she looked pleadingly at Iain. "But not tonight, Iain. I don't want to have to deal with it tonight."

* * *

Zoe wouldn't usually go to Connie to ask for help with her personal life, but she was desperate. Tess was in the middle of a crisis of her own, involving her son Sam and his baby son Charlie. Dylan was well-meaning and would try his best, but he didn't understand relationships.

And Max, the person she'd usually talk to if she was upset about anything… she couldn't go to Max.

"So what should I do?" said Zoe helplessly once she'd told Connie the whole sad story. Connie had looked irritated at times (she didn't really like it when her staff came into her office and dumped their personal problems on her), but to give her her due, she hadn't looked surprised or shocked.

"Do you honestly want to know what I think?" said Connie.

 _Maybe not_ , thought Zoe, quailing inwardly at the tone of Connie's voice, but she faced the clinical lead bravely. "Yes. I really want to know."

"Appreciate what you've got!" said Connie. "You're lucky he even wants to be friends with him after the way you treated him. Why on earth should he take you back when he knows what you're capable of? Go and find him; accept his friendship if it's still on offer – and then be grateful for what you've got because most men would offer far less. And anyone who offers you more was probably only with you for the sex in the first place."

Zoe stared at Connie, stunned. "Maybe you're the one who should be grateful for what you've got?" she snapped.

Connie raised her eyebrows. "Excuse me?"

"I mean Jacob," said Zoe. "He takes all kinds of crap from you because he knows that as long as you're in this hospital, this job comes first. Then as soon as your shift comes to an end, you deign to notice him again. I know being at the top can be lonely. There are times when you have to make decisions on your own and not let anyone else's feelings distract you. But everyone needs support sometimes, Connie, and Jacob is always right there for you – if only you'd step down far enough from your self-built pedestal to see it."

* * *

"Now remember, whatever happens, I'll be right here," said Ethan. "If you're in pain or you feel you can't help anymore, all you have to do is let me know and I'll kick them out. Okay?"

Even now, Cal couldn't help smiling a little bit at the idea of Ethan kicking anyone out, but he squeezed Ethan's hand gratefully and they waited for the arrival of the police.

They didn't take long. "Dr Caleb Knight?" he said, walking towards the bed.

Cal swallowed and nodded.

Ethan stood up to shake hands, though he didn't let go of Cal's hand. "I'm Dr Ethan Hardy, Caleb's brother. As I'm sure Mrs Beauchamp has explained to you, Dr Knight is still rather unwell, as well as very upset about the incident. If at any point I feel he's not able to continue with the questioning, I will have to ask you to leave."

Cal looked at his brother in admiration. He knew Ethan was nervous because his nails were digging into Cal's hand, but otherwise, he hid it well.

"Of course, Dr Hardy. We understand." The policeman asked a few preliminary questions and checked Cal's driving licence. "Dr Knight, shortly before the crash occurred, we received reports that your vehicle was being driven recklessly and causing a nuisance to other road users. We were wondering if you could give your version of events."

Cal looked at Ethan, who smiled at him encouragingly.

"I didn't mean to be a nuisance," said Cal. "But that guy had got Katya and she didn't want to be with him so I had to get her back."

"So, you knew Miss Veselovsky was in the boot?"

Cal shook her head. "I didn't know where she was. But she disappeared from my flat and I saw him driving away. I knew she was probably in the car – but if not, he'd know where she was."

"Is there a reason why you took matters into your own hands rather than informing the police?"

"I didn't want him to get away," said Cal.

"You could have reported the car's registration number to us."

Cal looked nervously at Ethan.

"It's okay," said Ethan. "Just answer the question as best you can."

"I suppose I didn't think of it," said Cal. He rubbed at the wound on the back of his head. "I was scared. I was panicking. I loved her and I wanted her to be okay."

Ethan gently took hold of his hand and returned it to his lap.

"How long have you been acquainted with Miss Veselovsky?"

"Only since last night," said Cal. "I saw her with him. She was upset. He was horrible. We left together. We'd both had such an awful time recently and for the first time, we felt happy."

"Were you aware that Miss Veselovsky was in the country illegally?"

Cal nodded. "Yeah, she told me that. But that wasn't her fault. She was scared of him. She just did whatever he wanted. I was going to help her get a visa; look after her."

"I see," said the policeman non-committally. "Were you aware of Miss Veselovsky's profession?"

"I was aware of her former profession, which she was forced into," said Cal.

The policeman nodded. "Dr Knight, on the night before the accident, did you drink any alcohol at all?"

Cal felt the warning pressure of Ethan's hand telling him to be honest. "Yeah, I had quite a bit. But I'm sure I was sober by the time I got in the car."

The policeman looked at Ethan. "Dr Hardy, were Dr Knight's alcohol levels tested at all when he was brought in to the hospital?"

"I couldn't tell you offhand," said Ethan with perfect composure. "As Dr Knight's relative, I wasn't permitted to have any involvement in his medical care. It's possible that they were tested, but it seems very unlikely as Dr Knight's doctors would have had other concerns. It would be too late to test for alcohol in Dr Knight's blood now, but I will authorise a nurse to find his file as soon as you've finished questioning him."

The policeman turned back to Cal. "Dr Knight, do you have any physical conditions that might affect your ability to drive a car?"

Cal felt himself beginning to shake. The room swam and he covered his eyes with his hand. He didn't want to lie to the police, but Ethan couldn't find out like this.

He felt Ethan gripping his hand firmly before speaking to the policemen. "I'm terribly sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I think my brother's had enough for now. Perhaps you could wait outside? I'll find a nurse for you once I've calmed my brother down." He took Cal's other hand in his. "It's okay, Cal. They're going now. You've done really well."

Cal shook his head. He knew he hadn't done well. Ethan should know already. But he couldn't tell him now.


	14. Chapter 14

_I'm so sorry it took so long for me to post this. I tried to write it yesterday and couldn't get past the first section. I finished it this afternoon, but it was all wrong and I hated it. So I started all over again. It's better than it was before. And I'm sorry about the massive plot hole where some things happen the following day and some things happen the same day. I'm so annoyed with myself about that, but let's just assume everything happens on the same day._

 _Thank you so much for all your support with this story - you are all so lovely and it really helped a lot. I just wish I'd written a better final chapter. You are amazing and you deserve a really good finale._

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review - I'm so glad you've enjoyed this story. I hope the last chapter lives up to your expectations.

 **ETWentHome** , thank you for your review. The trouble is, it never does seem like the right time for Cal to tell Ethan, but I'm glad you agree it was the wrong time then. Thank you - you're very kind to say it was beautifully-written!

 **totti10** , I think Connie needed to hear it too, though perhaps Zoe's not best-placed to advise people on how to treat their boyfriends! I'm so glad this isn't predictable. Thank you for your review - and for the idea of Dixie lying beside Iain...

 **Tanith Panic** , if I do maintain tension, I don't know how! I usually just write and hope. I think Zoe might have had a point, but it probably wasn't the best time, the best place or the best person to be making it! Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. I suppose Ethan might be more lenient if he hears the news now - after everything they've both been through, the delay might not matter so much.

 _Thank you **xCHOCOPOPx** for the follow and favourite._

* * *

Iain pushed open the door and stood back awkwardly, allowing Dixie to go into the flat ahead of him. She paused for a moment, full of misgivings as she wondered firstly about the state of the flat and secondly whether this was really a good idea.

"You okay?" said Iain from behind her. "I promise you it's reasonably hygienic. I bring Rita round here all the time and she doesn't nag _too_ much."

Dixie threw a smile over her shoulder at him and walked slowly in the flat. It was messy; it wasn't the cleanest place she'd ever been to, but she had to admit it could be a lot worse.

"Go and sit down and I'll make you a cuppa," said Iain. "Unless you'd prefer something stronger?"

"I don't think anything is stronger than your tea," said Dixie.

Her voice didn't sound quite right. It was a little higher than it should have been. Perhaps a little shakier. But it wasn't too bad.

Iain laughed. "You haven't even sat down and already you're insulting me!"

Dixie shook her head and tried to smile. "No, it's okay. I was only joking."

"Thought you might be," said Iain, and gave her a friendly push towards the sofa. Dixie realised it was too late to back out now and went to sit down. She felt tense and couldn't get comfortable, but she knew that was nothing to do with the sofa.

It was just… different. Staying overnight with a mate. She didn't think she'd done it for a long time. She knew she ought to be cheerful and try to be good company, but she wasn't sure she could manage it. Now she was finally here, she could feel tiredness seeping through her body.

But she didn't try to kid herself that she'd be able to sleep.

Not tonight. Perhaps not for many nights.

"Here you are!" said Iain cheerfully, returning with two mugs of tea. "Now, as you're my guest, Dix, and I want to make a good impression, what we can do is up to you. We can talk if you like – the guest picks the conversation. We can watch a DVD. Not everything I own is pornographic. Or we could just go to bed. In a completely platonic way because much as it breaks my heart, I think I've got as much chance with Cal as I have with you."

Dixie laughed. "I had no idea you felt that way about Cal."

"I'm a man of many secrets," said Iain.

For a while, the silence was companionable, but then Dixie's memories started to intrude and she turned quickly to Iain, saying the first thing that came into her head. "You do have a spare bed, right?"

"No," said Iain, "but it is a double and I did change the sheets since Rita last stayed over."

"You'd better not snore," said Dixie.

"You'd better not snore either," countered Iain.

Dixie punched him. "Hey! I thought I was supposed to be your guest."

Iain shrugged. "I say it to all my mates. And you'd better not talk in your sleep."

"You'd better not fart in bed," said Dixie.

"You'll soon find out, Dix," said Iain, laughing wickedly. "You'll soon find out."

Dixie groaned. "What have I let myself in for?"

But she knew the answer to that.

A night of distractions. A night of friendship and laughter.

A night she could probably get through.

* * *

Connie had to walk past the nurse's station three times before she finally saw Jacob. She didn't know if he heard her heels or somehow sensed her presence. He lifted his head and showed no surprise as he smiled at her.

Connie's eyes met his. Not a word was spoken.

Five minutes later, he arrived in her office.

"Shut the door, Staff Nurse Masters," said Connie.

Smiling, Jacob did as he was told.

"Jacob."

"Oh, so it's Jacob now, is it, Sweet Cheeks?"

"Jacob, thank you for coming to speak to me today," said Connie. "it was… thoughtful of you."

"Apology accepted," said Jacob.

He always did know how to make her smile.

Damn him.

"I just wanted to make sure there was no misunderstanding between us," said Connie.

"No, I don't think so," said Jacob. "I've always thought I understood you pretty well."

"I just like to keep my work and personal lives separate," said Connie. "I know I push you away. I push everyone away. But that's just how I am. In this job, we see terrible, devastating, emotional things every day. I have to keep a distance or I wouldn't be able to do it. That means all my emotions have to be at a distance. Sometimes I can't do it. But I always have to try."

"I get that," said Jacob.

Connie looked at him. "Really?"

"Sure," said Jacob. "But if the trying gets too much, you know I'm here, right?"

Connie hesitated, then nodded. She put her arms around Jacob and allowed herself, just for a moment to rest her head against his shoulder. "I know."

* * *

"Hi," said Zoe.

Max looked up from his sweeping and gave her a quick smile. "Hi."

He returned to his sweeping.

Zoe felt physical pain. This was Max, who was always so happy to seize any excuse to stop working. She took a step towards him, her arm outstretched, then she angrily asked herself what she was doing. That was what had got her into this mess in the first place.

"Look, about before," said Zoe. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I was upset about Cal. I said a lot of things I shouldn't have said."

Max carried on sweeping, his back turned to Zoe. For a moment, she thought he was going to ignore her, but then he leaned his broom against the wall and turned to face her. "We all say things we shouldn't have said sometimes. Especially when someone we care about is fighting for his life."

"I just really hope," said Zoe; "not that I have any right to ask this. I'm lucky that you wanted to be my friend once. I shouldn't be expecting…"

"Zoe, I'm sorry: this isn't really a good time," said Max. "I've got to work and I'm sure you have to, so…"

Zoe's head dropped and with it her hopes. "Right. Sure. I'll see you later."

"So maybe we could meet up for a drink?" said Max. "Just as friends, but…"

It was all Zoe could do not to throw her arms around his neck. "Yes," she said, unable to hide her relief. "That sounds good, Max. Yes. As friends."

* * *

"Do you think they're coming back?" said Cal.

Ethan stroked his arm. "I don't know, Cal. There might be more they need to ask you. But you did very well and I'm sure you'll be fine if they have to interview you again."

Cal looked as though he wasn't sure at all. "If they come back, will you be there?"

Ethan swallowed down his emotion. He wasn't used to seeing Cal so needy – at least, he wasn't used to hearing him admit to needing Ethan. "Of course, if that's what you want."

Cal nodded and closed his eyes. "I don't know…. I just need…"

"It's okay, Cal," said Ethan. "Whatever you need, just ask."

"Thanks," whispered Cal.

Ethan stroked his arm some more, surprised by how natural it felt. He took a deep breath. He couldn't let this opportunity go by. "And if there's anything you want to talk about…"

Cal's eyes snapped open. "Like what?"

"I don't know," said Ethan. "But…" He searched Cal's face: the sad eyes with the still slightly-swollen lids. "There is something, Cal, isn't there? Something you haven't told me?"

Cal gave him a pleading look, but he said nothing and finally he nodded.

"Something I should know about?" said Ethan gently.

Cal nodded again.

Ethan moved his hand down Cal's arm and took both his brother's hands in his. "Are you ill, Cal?"

A look of panic passed over Cal's face. "What makes you think that?"

"It was the way you reacted when the policeman asked you about health conditions," said Ethan. "I thought at first that you'd just had enough of the questions, but it wasn't that, was it?"

Cal looked at Ethan, fire in his eyes. A denial seemed imminent. But then the anger faded from Cal's face and he looked down at their joined hands.

"You don't have to tell me anything now," said Ethan. "I know you're tired and upset and it can't be easy to talk about. But please tell me this much, Cal." His voice trembled. _"Are_ you ill?"

Cal's eyes were wide and desperate. "I don't know," he whispered.

Ethan wasn't surprised. He guessed Cal had been performing his usual trick of burying his head in the sand and trying to forget what might be wrong.

But although it wasn't a surprise, it was still a shock to hear it. His brother could be unwell… and he didn't need any further explanation from Cal to know it was serious.

Ethan tried to steady his breathing. He had to stay strong for Cal. He just had to.

"Cal, whatever's wrong, I'm here. I'll support you. I told you you weren't alone and I meant it."

Cal focused haunted blue eyes on Ethan. His lips trembled violently as he said the words. "Ethan, I'm so sorry."

Ethan felt an answering sting in his own eyes, but he knew he couldn't give in to it. "You don't have to apologise, Cal. And you don't have to tell me now. I know it's hard for you to talk about and you've been through so much already." His hands tightened on Cal's. "But I'm here, Cal, and I always will be. Whenever you're ready to talk, I'll be listening."


End file.
